Our Greatest Growth Resource Is Each Other: The Power of Setting Private Goals in Small Communities

After years of the online self-improvement movement steadily gaining momentum, it seems it has now hit peak saturation and very quickly proceeded to sink back into the depths of mediocrity.

Call it misaligned incentives, the ‘enshittification’ of social media, or an obsession with public validation; the result is a sh*t-show of generic advice, quick hacks, and click bait articles that promise instant insights and results. Coupled with a social media-fueled desire to do more, be more, have more, and the world is in a personal-growth frenzy, with the personal Development Market size valued at USD $40.1 billion in 2022 and predicted to grow a staggering 7% this year, ‘fueled by the growing awareness among individuals about the need for continuous personal growth.’ And I won’t be taking guesses as to where that awareness is coming from.

As a founder of a self-improvement company, this should all be music to my ears. However, my advice for fuelling personal growth doesn't involve a transaction. Instead of reaching for your chequebook, I suggest opening your phone book. Within it lies an extraordinary, often overlooked resource: the people you already know and love.

Let me explain.

If you read the news, it’s easy to believe that people are self-interested, dangerous, and very unlikely to help. We are told that human beings, by nature, are selfish and governed by self-interest. This perspective has been affirmed by Stanford psychologist __Dale Miller, __who has shown that when we think about what motivates other people, we tend to apply a pessimistic, self-interested view of human nature. However, the neuroscience of trust paints a very different picture - one where humans have a natural instinct to cooperate rather than compete, trust rather than distrust, and help rather than hinder- especially in times of risk and uncertainty. Having faith in one another is in the best interest of both the individual and the collective, and working together has always been key to the survival of our species. So it makes sense that we literally can’t help ourselves from helping others.

So why isn’t there more helping happening? Well, while we love the idea of spontaneous acts of kindness,in reality, the majority of help occurs only after a request has been made. This is where the bottleneck occurs because, as Xuan Shao of Stanford University teaches us, ‘some people may fear that asking for help would make them appear incompetent, weak, or inferior’ when in actual fact, ‘those concerns are oftentimes exaggerated and mistaken,’ which brings me back to your phone book.

Within your phone book are probably dozens of people ready to unlock the growth that we all seem to crave. The people in your phonebook - your friends - don’t need a Ph.D. in psychology or the validation of millions of followers to help because they already have everything they need: an interest in you.

So, how do you tap into this amazing resource? There are two parts.

The first part is setting a goal. Make sure your goals are SMART, but more importantly, make sure the goals are something you’re actually interested in and are not just something you’ve seen someone else do. Personally, I’ve found asking ‘why’ I want to achieve a particular goal very helpful in getting clarity around my motivations. Take some time with this one, because it will be used a lightning rod to spur action.

With a goal locked away, the second step in this two-part act is inviting one or two friends to join you on your goal journey in a cozy corner of the internet called group chats. Group chats are awesome for exploring growth for a few reasons. Firstly, they’re inherently private, which means you can be you without having to worry about who will see what you’re writing or sharing. Secondly, they’re easy to tell apart, so you can have different goals in different communities - expressing different parts of your personality in fun and interesting ways with different people.

In concert, these features allow a subtle shifting of the focus from a public spectacle of accomplishments to a more genuine, conversational tone. In doing so, group chats invite you to celebrate the journey of the goal, not just the outcome. This is a meaningful shift because in redirecting the spotlight onto the small victories, lessons learned, and failures that inevitably come on the path to achieving anything substantial, personal growth becomes a continuous, sustainable, and hopefully fun part of your life independent of the public applause meter. At the center of these group chats are goals, which serve as the common ground where everyone can gather and cheer each other on - which makes it more than about the achievement of the goal; it's about building a community.

Without being too philosophical, the emphasis on sustained progress resonates with the Stoic notion that a purposeful life is marked by the accumulation of meaningful experiences (wisdom) and personal development (virtue), or the philosophy of eudaimonia, which the ancients teach us, transcends external validation. In essence, group chats with a clear goal and a small group of friends provide a practical avenue for embodying these timeless principles.

In a world obsessed with the grandiose, embrace the power of the small, the genuine, and the joyous. Cheers to growth your way.