I hope this letter finds you well. I know you just appointed your new Twitter CEO Linda Yaccarino and you’re super busy, but the very fact that you chose this amazing woman to spearhead Twitter 2.0 convinces me beyond a doubt that you are the one to help me. Right now I’m sitting in my home office surrounded by a sea of crumpled paper, red blinking lights, and the stringent smell of toner. You guessed it. I am having printer problems. Now, I know what you might be thinking, “Why is this person writing to me? I am the CEO of SpaceX, , and . I also have a girlfriend, eight kids, and I have to keep investors happy, so how can I solve her computer problems?” Tesla Twitter Simply put Elon, if anyone can solve my irritating malfunctioning printer, it’s you. Why? Because you’ve sent rockets to space with SpaceX. You’ve built electric cars that literally drive themselves with Tesla and you’ve single-handedly changed the way we communicate, 140 characters at a time with Twitter. You seem to have excellent relationships with all of your technology, not so with me and my temperamental devices. My printer is cold and dark, distant and elusive, unresponsive and down right moody. I mean I’ve tried everything. First rule of thumb, turn it off then back on. Check. Monitored my ink cartridge levels. Check. Updated my drivers. Check. Loaded paper into it. Check. Made sure it was plugged in. Check. Even said, “I love you”. Check. But, no matter what I do, nothing works. Do you think this printer not working is a metaphor about my life? I’ve always been the type of person that prides herself on showing up and doing a good job, just like you. You didn’t get to where you are today by not doing what was required. You’ve been able to attain rock-star status because you refused to give up. We share that same trait. I know that my printer was built in the 1990s, but I refuse to give up on it. It has served me and been with me through all the ups and downs in my life. It was there when I graduated high school and college. It was there when I was rejected by my first job and it was there when I was hired by the second one. We’ve spent countless hours together, so I don’t know why it refuses to be there for me now. If you were me, Elon, what would you do? W.W.E.D. = What Would Elon Do? (That’s what I ask myself) I know exactly what you would do. When Falcon 1 failed to reach orbit the first time, you didn’t give up, you stuck with it and sent it up again and again. So, Elon, I’m imploring you for your help. Can you apply your charismatic, debonair genius to my insignificant, although universally frustrating problem? Can you help me get my printer to work? I’m not asking for a printer that can print in zero gravity, or one that uses moon dust (although that would be awesome). I just want my printer, this printer to actually print when I push the print button. Is that too much to ask, Elon? Ding. Oh, and maybe that’s it. Maybe my printer in this new age of AI doesn’t like being “pushed” anymore. Even though it’s not a living person, my printer still has feelings and perhaps it's now fed up with being pushed around and it won’t perform its duties until this abusive behavior has stopped. Wow, Elon, thank you so much for this insight. I would never have gotten to this point in our relationship if I hadn’t taken out the time to write to you about my problem. Your mom and dad must be very proud of you. Did you know that as a child that you would one day rule the world? What you say almost has more weight than POTUS and you’re not even from this country. That says a lot about immigrants as well. You were not born here, but with your stick-to-itiveness, you have changed the landscape of our country. That’s why we should always value the next person and never underestimate their worth. I know you’re busy colonizing Mars and making cars drive themselves, but just think about how you could revolutionize printing in Space if you adopted the rule of no more pushing your printer to turn on (you could even say it was your idea). But just imagine, a printer that works every time could change the way the world interacts with all appliances. With no more pushing, you could spearhead a movement that crosses every continent and touches every person. You could create a new product line called PrintX, TeslaPrint or TwitterX (oh, that’s right, TwitterX will soon be a thing). I heard that TwitterX will be the EverythingApp just like Amazon is the EverythingStore. How did you come up with the idea? Did you secretly know that I was going to write to you about this problem months ago? Did you have a dream like Dr. Martin Luther King? Was I the true inspiration for the X App? Elon, here I am asking you for assistance and really you should be thanking me for helping you come up with the Everything App idea. In conclusion, Elon, you are a true gentleman. I believe in you and thank you for allowing me the opportunity to help you. I know that if there is anyone who can solve my printer problem, it is you. In fact, let me not call it a problem. I once heard that a problem is only a problem if you call it a problem. So if anyone can solve this potentially billion-dollar money-making opportunity, it can only be you. So, the next time you’re taking a break from launching satellites, or designing the braking system for your self-driving cars, please spare a thought to all us earthlings struggling with printer issues that provide inspiration to you to make your next billion-dollar project. Looking forward to hearing from you and living in a world where printer “opportunities” (wink, wink) won’t be thought of. Yours in ink and toner, @dearelonmusk

This piece was written for humor or satire and may include nonfactual statements, stories, or anecdotes.

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Dear Elon Musk, Can You Make My Printer Work?

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