You know what? Maybe internet access should be
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You know what? Maybe internet access should be fettered.

by Melissa EldridgeDecember 11th, 2017
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I know, I know. Unwind your panties and follow me for a moment.

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I know, I know. Unwind your panties and follow me for a moment.

Ask yourself: How much of the internet is good? And I don’t mean the “forces of good versus evil” type good. Actually good. Content that is beneficial or truly entertaining. 7%? 5%? Less?

What if increasing the cost of internet access by repealing net neutrality improves the content? Maybe not the content itself, but maybe the content that you bother to look at because the rest of it isn’t worth the cost.

Maybe, just maybe, you’ll reclaim some of your time. Maybe you won’t binge. I ask you to contemplate the following, just for a minute.

Telepathy SUCKS

Yeah, I’m looking at you, Twitter. Twenty years ago, I would sit around with a group of friends playing the game of “What superpower would you choose?” Often people would choose the ability to read other people’s minds (for the record, they’re wrong, the best superpower is teleportation). And here we are, 20 years later and we all have the ability to read every single shit-sucking thought of every single human being. And IT SUCKS. Most people’s brains have the substance and clarity of scrambled eggs. Their synapses are firmly on Team Misinformed Insults. Remember when we couldn’t form these teams? When bots weren’t out there telling us their bot thoughts? When our Commander in Peach wasn’t able to rile the masses daily with his crap feelings? I’m not saying that we need to get rid of it. If you love your superpower, have at it. But, I’m betting if you have to pay more for it, you’ll just say no thanks.


I promise. You don’t need all that crap. Would you go to the mall if there were a cover charge? NOPE. So, maybe if it costs more to access Amazon…you just won’t. Imagine. A world where you have to think about your purchases again for longer than one click. Maybe you wouldn’t have the deviled egg salad spinner. Maybe you wouldn’t drunk shop for gently used Louboutins. Maybe that’s just me.

Flat Earth Society

No one would pay for that shit. Buh-bye.


Maybe we would all remember that cats are actually shitty. Or we would just look at the ones we already have in the house. Hey, maybe we’d actually pet them rather than pushing them out of the way because we can’t see our screens. Maybe we wouldn’t force them to wear a bread helmet because we have dreams of breaking the internet.

Strobing/Thigh Gaps/Ab Cracks/Contour/Thigh Brows

I can tell you sure as shit that I wouldn’t pay extra to further destroy my self-esteem. I mean, I’ll do it for free for a few hours on a Friday night but if I had to pay? HELL NO! What will I do with myself if I don’t have access to material that keeps my self-hate on point? If I can’t look at Instagram and realize that my life is an un-curated shit storm of mismatched sheets and ungroomed brows? Maybe I’ll go to therapy.

Maybe 11 year olds won’t be able to google “Asian Anal Sock Puppet Cream Pie”

And maybe you won’t either, Mr. 40 Year Old. I know, your balls just crept back into your body in fear. What are you saying, lady? I won’t have free access to Step MILF Sucks Teen Cock in Shower? No more Barely Legal High School Slut Fucks Grandpa? It’s terrifying, I know. I’m not suggesting that we ban porn, but hey, if you have to pay extra for the content, maybe you’d be more discerning. Maybe pre-teens wouldn’t have access. We’re already dealing with a whole generation of men and women raised on free porn and if you ask any of my single 30 year old friends, they are screwed. Or, completely not screwed because porn has turned sex into a bizarre mix of disconnectedness and heightened expectations. But that’s a whole other story.