Brunch Skunks and 10 Other Types of Crypto Investors

Don’t look now, but everywhere you look somehow — in some way — someone is investing in cryptocurrency.

If you’re paying attention, those “Someones” aren’t a random cast of characters, but rather a series of archetypes straight out of central casting.

The Filthy Rich and Unbearably Lost

Due to insane premonition or ridiculous luck, went in strong shortly after Satoshi’s 2008 whitepaper. Never honed a single life skill. Wanders around directionless and unfilled — but capable of buying the entire island you vacation to.

The Early Bird

Stepped into the Ethereum pre-sale, and put a nice, tidy little nest egg together. Avoids most of the hype, generally isn’t overdramatic about their holdings — and, unlike some, actually works for a living.

The Twinsies

As in the Winkels. Apparently learned about Bitcoin because it was the only way they could confirm a reservation for a hotel in Ibiza.

Now you know what to do if you ever win a lawsuit against Facebook.

The Single-Name Fund Manager

See Ari and Olaf.

Regaled, revered and oft-referred to.

Sorta like Madonna.

Good news is they usually deliver (without the pointy bra).

The Blind Squirrel Fund Manager

Able to raise $5, $10 or $15 million, so now puffs out their fuzzy squirrel tail and pauses for pictures. As the market matures, you’ll know them by the frantic sounds of their paws scratching the ground as they aimlessly look for an acorn.

Blind Squirrel Finds an Acorn

The Conference Sluts

Easy, easy…there’s nothing sexual about this one.

Boondogglers who shuttle from crypto conference to crypto conference. Sorta like Brunch Skunks without a MPPM (Meal Per Person Minimum) — and about as fun.

They’re definitely wealthy — and were clearly born that way.

It’s unclear whether they actually own crypto or not.

Bob’s Burgers warns you about Brunch Skunks

The Toe Dipper

Lives la Vida Loca with full on FOMO. Doesn’t want to miss out, but cannot go all in. Will corner you at a cocktail party and talk incessantly about crypto.

Absolutely has a Coinbase account. Won’t trade their .5 BTC ever.

The Metamorphic Venture Capitalist

Immediately followed Fred and Tim (as in Wilson and Draper) and updated their LP agreements to accept tokens; a bold few are developing crypto “sleeves” — dedicated investment areas — for their funds.

Could it be that crypto projects raising 3.5 more times than VC in 2017 made an impact? Run Forest Run!

The Reddit Wrangler

Mainly momentum trades, occasionally on news, but really on rumors and hype. A bit of chat here, some trolling there, and whaddya know, the money is flowing like the land of milk and honey.

When the momentum music stops, that honey flow will look more like the Colony Collapse of a beehive.

The Thief Sitting on Acapulco Gold

Right. Because they can’t operate in the US.

Apparently they have MLM embroidered on the hems of their board shorts.

The Telegram Commission Hog

Has a $5M slice of Telegram’s Pre-Sale. Which they’ll sell to you at a 20% premium. On the 20% markup of the 20% premium they bought it at.

If you want to hear a stutter, simply ask about their broker/dealer license.

The Commission Hog