A Beginner's Guide for Alien Invaders by@nebojsa.todorovic

A Beginner's Guide for Alien Invaders

How to invade Earth for the absolute alien beginners!
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@nebojsa.todorovic
Ghost of HackerNoon

Guerrilla Journalist

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Invasion, Day 1

“Bizarre World” YouTube Channel

Episode #217 “Space Funeral”


This was definitely not a surprise. We should have expected something like that from Adam Holman. Long before he became "The Plastic King" and "Polymer Royalty," he wanted for his final resting place to be not under, but above this world. Among the stars!


Eventually, this wish became part of his last will. Extraordinary life filled with controversy just couldn’t have had a more appropriate ending. “Space Service Inc” took care of it. Their spokesman said, “It was not a secret that the capsule with Adam Holman's ashes was launched into outer space in a trajectory out of the solar system.”


Adam's younger brother Jerry was not so generous in his comments. According to an unconfirmed story, he unwillingly took part in carrying out his brother's last line of the will: “to be buried with the first ever earned one-dollar bill.” You’ve seen all the memes of Holman Senior as Scrooge McDuck, haven’t you?


In one of the interviews before his brother’s death, Holman Junior admitted that the life of

Holman brothers under the spotlights of media was much closer to a tragedy rather than a fairytale. Allegedly, at the bizarre space funeral ceremony, Jerry swore that the dollar bill his brother wanted to be buried with would be the last bill he would hold in his hand ever. We found this a little bit hard to believe having in mind the record of Jerry's alcohol and drug abuse financed with his brother's business empire money. We shall wait and see.


Adam made sure that Jerry couldn’t get anywhere close to his company. The board of directors and shareholders have kept silent on any kind of allowance for the sole heir with a problematic past and uncertain future.


Meanwhile, the spirit of once a great entrepreneur will try to find its peace somewhere in the universe. With the starting capital of just a single dollar bill.


Ads in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…



Invasion, Day 2

“Bizarre World” YouTube Channel

Episode #237 “Dracula’s Auction“


This year's AVN Awards or better known as the “Porn Oscars” ceremony has introduced a completely new chapter. Save your time and energy, you simply can't guess what it is. Don't torture your imagination with a new category that should find its place on the existing list of awards.


From now on, a charity auction will be a part of the AVN adult entertainment expo in Las Vegas. The AVN's management announced that the entire amount of the first auction would be used for the housing needs of Isidore's hurricane victims. What drew our attention to this event were the objects of auction. To clarify, every participant at the ceremony, both nominees and awarded are asked to donate something for the auction. The choices and argumentation of the best actors and actresses at the auction is something that deserves to be mentioned in our video.


Porn diva “Sandra O” decided to donate a single drop of her own blood. She was more than willing to explain her choice at the press conference, in her well-known manner, “What have you expected my pubic hairs or my vibrator?”


Her colleagues commented that for this noble cause she wanted something from the heart - literally. What is even more interesting is the fact that Sandra O's "artifact" was the most expensive one at the auction. It’s hard to believe that someone would pay $500,000 dollars for a single drop of blood. Understandably, the buyer insisted on anonymity.


We do not question the noble intention of AVN's organization, but we have some doubts about the precious drop of Sandra O's body liquid. What is the generous buyer planning to do with it? Perhaps, to make Sandra O's clone. What an idea! We hope the winner of the auction is watching our channel. If he is planning to launch a production line, the demand would surely surpass the supply.


Ads in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…



Invasion, Day 3


“What are you doing?”


“What does it look like?”


“Like you are stealing. You are going to pay for your Hummy's fuel, aren't you soldier?”


The soldier was looking down ashamed. He wasn’t answering. His hands were restless. With the left he was circling around a handgun on his hip as if he’s a cowboy ready to pull it out at any moment. With the right, he was rubbing his bald head.


“Hmm, I see what’s going on here. Silly me. I thought a man in uniform is the sign of the order being restored.”


“What order?! Are you blind? Just look around you. Have you been living under a rock these past three days?”


“It’s OK soldier. I get it. If you’re done, we can go.”


“Go where?”


The soldier's question had an open and loud tone of an insult.


“Somewhere we can be safe. My home for a change. Not here in the open.”


“What home? You don't have a home.” The soldier was looking down on the old man. “You're homeless. I can smell you from here. Just look at you.”


“Don’t judge a book by its cover, boy. We don’t have time to waste. Just follow me.”


“Follow? You?! Where?”


“To the abandoned factory nearby.”


The soldier has already opened his Hummer's door. He was shaking his head with an ironic smile on his face. He didn’t try to keep it hidden from the old man.


“I really don't need any of this.”


“You need to sleep. You need to eat. Seems to me, you haven't done any of those in days.”


The soldier froze on the spot. He was all ears.


“You need to accept that you’re no longer a soldier. It's done. Let’s go.”


The soldier closed his eyes for a second. His body surrendered.


“You’d better be telling the truth. Come over here. Don’t you even dare to sit next to me. Go back.”


“You’re still giving orders, boy.” The old man caricatured a military salute.


“I’m in no mood for jokes, old man.”


“OK. Just don’t shoot. Left, left, left, right, left!”


The military Hummer left the abandoned gas station behind in a cloud of dust.



Invasion, Day 4


“Feeling better?”


“Hmm…Yeah. Why aren't you in the city just like everyone else? What are you doing here? There’s nothing here.”


“I don’t need money like everyone else. Why aren't you in your base or with your unit, boy?”


“I don’t need…I am not…Never mind. We were attacked and probably our base is destroyed.”


“You were attacked?! What are you talking about? I thought that the money rain was the only wrong thing here. Who attacked you?”


The soldier was taking a deep and long breath preparing himself for some hard and painful explanation.


“Don’t know. Someone, or something.”


The old homeless man was etching his neck with one eye half closed in doubt.


“How is it possible for you not to know? You must have seen something.”


The soldier wanted to shoot, to bite.


“Naked women. I know how it sounds, but that’s what happened.”


“What?”


“Beautiful, toll, blond, perfect body, completely naked, couldn't count who many, women. Resembling very much to Sandra O. Actually, they looked exactly like her. As if all these naked women were her identical twins.”

“Who’s Sandra O?”


“Ah…you don’t have a TV or the Internet, and you’re old.”


The old man was on his feet. He was furious.


“Hold on, young man. If I am homeless, doesn't mean I am out of this world. Once I was a…” The old man bit his tongue.


“A porn star. She is a…it’s not funny old man.”

“Naked women all over a military base! What is this? Are you pulling my old leg? You’re on drugs or something.”


“I am telling you old man. It’s not funny. I saw my friends dying.”


“Those girls had guns? Man, this is insane.”


“No, we had guns.”


“I don’t understand.”


“As soon as they suddenly appeared two or three nights ago the whole base went completely crazy. Everyone was running around chasing girls. Soon, there were not enough girls for everyone and the shooting started.”


“Oh, man. Have you tried to talk to the girls?”


“What?! My brothers from the base lost their minds. You are no different. Nobody wanted to talk to these girls.” The soldier stopped for a moment. “There was something off about them.”


“Yeah, they were walking naked all over a military base. What could possibly go wrong with all that military testosterone and naked ladies in the middle of the night behind the walls of a military base?”


“They were completely unreal. Not only did they look identical, but they all acted the same, completely speechless, and so calm. Obedient. Not trying to run away. Just walking around like zombies. Just like someone or something made them to…”


The soldier suddenly stopped talking. He looked through the window without glass with opened mouth. He was trying to put all the pieces of the horrific and bizarre puzzle together. It started to make sense.


“…destabilize military base, bases. The last thing I heard over the radio was calls for help from other bases.”


“What happened next?”


“I don’t know. Nothing nice that’s for sure. I ran.”


The old man was not convinced.


“How did you…how were you able to resist?”


The soldier was hesitating.


“I am gay. Here you go. I am gay. Happy now?”


“Sorry, didn't mean to…you know.”


“Forget it. We have bigger and real problems to worry about, and we have you. What about you old man?”


“What do you mean?”


There was fear in the old man’s eyes he couldn’t hide.


“You know. What is your secret? Why aren't you on the street grabbing the money bills just like everyone else? Explain that.”


“Look boy, I am a homeless man, why would I…”


“Not good enough. I know there must be something behind it. Don’t play tricks on me, old man. I had my moment of truth. Now, it’s your turn.”


“You’re seating in the middle of the answer. Look around you.”


“What? This used to be a “Holman’s Polymers” factory. The first, oldest, and the biggest one. Everybody knows that. He passed away, this place has been abandoned for years. What do you have to do with this?”


“My name is Jerry Holman. Here you go. Adam Holman was my brother.”


The soldier was stunned. He looked at the old man with his mouth open in disbelief.


“After my brother died, and I was the one to put his first ever earned dollar bill in a capsule with his ashes. Who hadn’t watched TV or checked the Interent, boy? I made a promise to myself. I’ve kept it to this very day. Even after all of this happened. The only promise I have ever kept in my life.”


The soldier’s eyes were begging for the answer.


“I would never touch the money with these hands, as long as I live. The money destroyed our family, and because of it, my brother died. Because of it, our world is…”


“What happened with the girls in the base happened with the money on the streets. You just helped me realize something. It’s so obvious. It all makes sense now.”


The soldier didn't need to wait for confirmation from the old man. He was looking absent toward the city. The dark lines of smoke were reaching toward the sky.


“This is devil’s works. Who could have done such a thing, boy?”


“I don’t know, don’t know, Mr. Holman.”


“Oh please, nobody hasn’t used my last name or addressed me in that way for years. You’ve figured out something. Spit it out.”


“Running away from the base, the whole next day I was in the city. Trying to…”


The old man was patient. He was not impatient to hear the rest of the story.


“Trying to find my family and friends and to take them with me. I couldn't do it, because it was even worse madness on the streets than I saw back in the base.”


“I know what the money could do to a man. Believe me, boy, I know what I am talking about.”


The soldier was hypnotized by his own words which brought back the pictures of chaos.


“Money was falling from the sky. Like rain. Wherever you looked around there it was. All you have to do is just grab it. So that’s exactly what people did.”


The soldier stopped for a short moment and then continued.


“It was a completely surreal scene. Old people, young people, even children. Absolutely everyone was on the street. Grabbing money bills as many as they can. With everything available at hand. I remember an old lady using a broom. I didn't have to wait too long to hear the first shots being fired in the city. Just like in my base.”


“Who, or what, whatever did that, knew exactly what needed to be done. If you want to cause chaos among young men, especially those in uniform, just throw beautiful girls in. If you want

to cause chaos on the streets, just bring the money rain. We, stupid humans, will bring harm to ourselves. We don’t need an invading army. Only the right stimulants for our weaknesses.”


“They, whoever they are, knew which buttons to push.”


“The right and most effective buttons, my young friend.”

The two men plunged into silence.



Invasion, Day 5

“What should we do next, Mr. Holman?”


“What is your name boy?”


“Alexander, Alexander Resnick.”


“Well, Alexander. You should start thinking about leading the resistance. If they were so much on details of our weaknesses, maybe they missed some of our strengths.”


Alexander laughed so loud that the echo of his laughter reached all corners of once a huge factory.


”All that nonsense about your so-called ‘resistance,’ and my John Connor’s role aside, who’s going to join us? Who’s going to fight back?”


”Well, to begin with. Your people… I don’t want… You know…”


“Gays. Just say it. And, while we are at it, I mean, brainstorming how to save the world. We need people who aren’t busy chasing the dollar bills on streets and roofs.”


“What do you mean?”


“Have you ever heard about crypto, old man?”


Jerry Holman was screeching his head blushing.


“I may have heard a thing or two about it back in my days.”


“No worries. We would have plenty of time for you to learn everything is to know about it.”


“OK. Whatever. But don’t you think we were so predictable? Making movies and writing so many books about every possible scenario, except the simplest one. Without any guns or ships, only with girls and money. How brilliant and how stupid from us.”


”Well, these alien invaders didn’t exactly cover all the angles. Don’t you think?”


“That’s an optimistic way of looking at current things. I give you that.”


“Time to fight back, old man. We should hurry before the aliens figure out crypto.”


“That’s the spirit, Alexander. And, before they start dropping Brad Pitt’s clones to finish us off.”


“Oh, don’t worry Jerry. Brad has never been a gay icon.”


”I see. I guess I’d have a lot of catching up to do.”


“It seems so. The silver lining is that our invaders still have a lot to learn too. It takes more than just porn and money to rule our world.”


“Are you sure?”


Silence.


The End

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