Do Not Buy a Computer from Walmart, and Related Advice

On March 28 2018, Interview Magazine published Joaquin Phoenix Interview by Will Ferrell, and it became known as the greatest interview ever published. HackerNoon is giving you the chance to answer those questions in their original order.

Did you know that it’s Valentine’s Day?

No it is not Valentine’s Day.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes.

What is Valentine’s Day?

A day to celebrate St Valentine that has transitioned into a day for guys to try to make up for not being romantic the rest of the year.

Did you do any kind of preparation for today?

Seeing that is just a normal day, I did my normal routine.

Are they naturally black or are they dyed?

Neither.

Are you in L.A.?

Of course not.

Is it cloudy outside?

Yes.

I’m going to break you down, okay?

I doubt it.

Why not?

Because this interview is not created for me.

I think it would be great, but what do I know?

You know how to ask questions.

Do you remember doing that?

Asking a question? I just did.

Are you sure?

Yes.

You don’t have to answer this question if you don’t want to, but it’s the weirdest situation ever, right?

Sure.

Are you doing this interview to promote something specific?

No.

How did you see that?

I do not think that question is applicable.

But I have to ask you, there was a part I loved—what’s the illustrator’s name?

Again, I doubt this is not applicable.

That was you flying off the wheelchair?

No.

Did you have to ride horses?

No.

Are you proficient in horse riding?

In the sense that I can stay on a horse, yes.

Do you remember the name of your horse?

No.

Well, here’s the thing: how could you even verify this?

That I do not remember the name of a horse that I have ridden in the past? It is nearly impossible to verify a negative so, no.

Wait a second, what?

I am not able to verify that I do not know the horse’s name.

What are we shooting?

Apparently they call it an interview.

This is something I’m actually doing?

That is what I am told.

How do you feel about your ability to give advice?

Depends on the topic.

Do you have advice for me?

Do not buy a computer from Walmart.

Do you just say, “Hey, Bob. Uh, keep going for it. I don’t have any advice”?

No.

Do you give them a slogan, like, “Reach for the stars”?

No.

Isn’t it awkward?

No?

What do you mean, ‘Go pee first?’

I have not stated that, thus I mean nothing.

What drew you to the role?

Nothing.

How did you prepare for it?

I did not.

That’s your pattern, right?

No.

You know what?

No.

Are you reading off prepared questions and trying to pretend that they’re just popping into your head?

You are supposed to be asking the questions.

In your personal life, are you sometimes a little bitch?

No.

Can you get a little bitchy if you’re in a bad mood?

No.

Is that right?

Yes.

What drew you to that role?

Nothing.

How did you prepare for it?

I did not.

When you worked with M. Night Shyamalan, did you ever just once call him M. Night Shyamalamadingdong?

No, I have never worked with him.

Can I ask you about this one camera shot?

Sure.

How much do you love photo shoots?

I do not.

You love them, don’t you?

No.

Like a good six-hour photo shoot for a magazine?

No.

What about you?

Also, no.

Did I wear the right jacket?

Sure.

Is denim cool?

Depends.

You know what?

No.

Will you join me if I crusade?

What is the purpose of your crusade?

Because bananas are basically—that’s what toddlers eat, right?

Amongst other things.

Did you watch the Super Bowl, by the way?

No.

Oh, you know what?

No.

Wait, say that again?

No.

You’re doing this thing where when you really don’t want to go somewhere, you just say, “I’m not going to go”?

Yes.

Do you not watch sporting events in general?

Generally no. I will pay attention to a soccer match if it happens to be on.

We have three boys who are very much into sports, and they’re like, “We’re watching the Super Bowl, right Dad?”

I am glad that they enjoy spending that time with you.

How many dogs do you have?

2.

Do they get along?

Good.

HackerNoon is giving you the chance to answer those questions in their original order.