Ever feel like you’re just an unpaid intern in everyone else’s life? You agree to things you don’t want to do. You feel guilty for setting boundaries. You say “yes” before you even realize what’s happening. Congratulations, you’ve been trapped in the People-Pleasing Vortex. And let me tell you from experience—it’s exhausting. For years, I thought being "nice" meant being agreeable, easygoing, and always available. Turns out, it just meant I was running on empty, filled with silent resentment, while everyone else walked away happy. So if you’re done bending over backward for people who wouldn’t lift a finger for you, let’s talk about how to stop people-pleasing and start prioritizing yourself. The Real Cost of People-Pleasing There’s this chart I saw once that perfectly sums it up: 🟢 Work 🟢 Family 🟢 Friends 🟢 Social Obligations 🟢 Doing Favors for People Who Don’t Deserve It 🔴 Relaxing? Nowhere to be found. That’s the life of a people-pleaser. You spend so much time making sure everyone else is happy that your own happiness gets bulldozed. You over-commit to things you don’t even want to do.


You let people push your boundaries because confrontation feels scarier than being used.


You end up exhausted, burned out, and wondering why no one ever considers your needs. The truth? When you prioritize everyone else’s happiness over your own, you’re not living—you’re just surviving. So let’s fix that. 5 Ways to Stop Being a People-Pleasing Machine 1️⃣ Make ‘No’ Your Default Setting If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. It sounds harsh, but think about it: Every "yes" to something you don’t care about is a "no" to the things that actually matter. And let’s be real—most of the stuff you say yes to? You probably regret it later. 🔹 Extra work projects you don’t have time for? No. 🔹 Social events that drain you? No. 🔹 Helping someone move again when they never return the favor? Absolutely not. Early in your career, saying yes opens doors. Later in life, saying yes closes them. The more valuable your time becomes, the more ruthless you have to be with it. 2️⃣ How to Say ‘No’ Without Sounding Like an Asshole Here’s a graceful rejection formula (steal this): Thank them for thinking of you.


Acknowledge it sounds like a great opportunity.


Say you’re overcommitted and can’t give it the attention it deserves.


Wish them luck. Example: "Hey [Name], thanks for reaching out! This sounds like an amazing project, and I really appreciate you thinking of me. Unfortunately, I’m already stretched too thin, and I wouldn’t be able to give it the time it deserves. I know it’ll turn out great, and I’m excited to see where you take it!" ✅ Respectful. ✅ No over-explaining. ✅ No guilt. The key? Don’t leave room for negotiation. People respect clear boundaries. They walk all over vague ones. 3️⃣ Boundaries Are a Cheat Code for Sanity There’s a quote I love: "Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments." If someone keeps overstepping, it’s your job to make the boundary clear. Here’s a 5-step boundary-setting script to use: “Is now a bad time?” (This makes people more receptive.)


“When you ____, I feel ____.” (State the issue calmly.)


“I have a personal rule where I only allow/don’t allow ____.” (Frame it as a rule, not a request.)


“If you keep doing ____, I’ll have to ____.” (Set a consequence if needed.)


“I hope we can make this work.” (End on a positive note.) This works in every scenario—work, relationships, friendships, even family. Because the moment you start enforcing boundaries, you start teaching people how to treat you. 4️⃣ Be Kind, Not ‘Nice’ There’s a huge difference: Nice people avoid hard conversations to keep the peace. Kind people have hard conversations because they actually care. 🔹 A nice manager sugarcoats feedback to avoid hurt feelings. 🔹 A kind manager gives honest feedback because they want their team to improve. 🔹 A nice friend agrees with you even when you’re making bad decisions. 🔹 A kind friend calls you out because they don’t want you to wreck your life. Niceness is performative. Kindness is constructive. Be kind. And stop wasting your time being nice to people who don’t deserve it. 5️⃣ Normalize the ‘Gift of Goodbye’ You don’t owe loyalty to: ❌ Friends who drain your energy. ❌ Jobs that make you miserable. ❌ Relationships that make you feel small. If something isn’t adding to your life, it’s subtracting from it. High-value people walk away from things that don’t serve them. And the best part? You don’t need closure. You don’t need a long explanation. You just need to decide. "This no longer works for me." That’s all you need. How to Actually Stop People-Pleasing Say ‘No’ More Often → If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.


Learn to Say ‘No’ Gracefully → Polite, firm, and final.


Set Clear Boundaries → You teach people how to treat you.


Be Kind, Not ‘Nice’ → Honesty > Avoiding conflict.


Normalize Walking Away → You don’t owe anyone your time. Your job is not to be liked by everyone. Your job is to be true to yourself. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, your time, or your energy… they’re not your people. Final Thought “Don’t be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to please them.” You can’t make everyone happy. So you might as well start with yourself. Until next time, Ben Ever feel like you’re just an unpaid intern in everyone else’s life? You agree to things you don’t want to do. You feel guilty for setting boundaries. You say “yes” before you even realize what’s happening. Congratulations, you’ve been trapped in the People-Pleasing Vortex. People-Pleasing Vortex. And let me tell you from experience—it’s exhausting. For years, I thought being "nice" meant being agreeable, easygoing, and always available. Turns out, it just meant I was running on empty, filled with silent resentment, while everyone else walked away happy. "nice" So if you’re done bending over backward for people who wouldn’t lift a finger for you, let’s talk about how to stop people-pleasing and start prioritizing yourself. how to stop people-pleasing and start prioritizing yourself. The Real Cost of People-Pleasing The Real Cost of People-Pleasing There’s this chart I saw once that perfectly sums it up: 🟢 Work 🟢 Family 🟢 Friends 🟢 Social Obligations 🟢 Doing Favors for People Who Don’t Deserve It 🔴 Relaxing? Nowhere to be found. Relaxing? Nowhere to be found. That’s the life of a people-pleaser. You spend so much time making sure everyone else is happy that your own happiness gets bulldozed. You over-commit to things you don’t even want to do. You let people push your boundaries because confrontation feels scarier than being used. You end up exhausted, burned out, and wondering why no one ever considers your needs. You over-commit to things you don’t even want to do. You over-commit to things you don’t even want to do. You let people push your boundaries because confrontation feels scarier than being used. You let people push your boundaries because confrontation feels scarier than being used. scarier You end up exhausted, burned out, and wondering why no one ever considers your needs. You end up exhausted, burned out, and wondering why no one ever considers your needs. your The truth? When you prioritize everyone else’s happiness over your own, you’re not living—you’re just surviving. prioritize everyone else’s happiness over your own, you’re not living—you’re just surviving. So let’s fix that. 5 Ways to Stop Being a People-Pleasing Machine 5 Ways to Stop Being a People-Pleasing Machine 1️⃣ Make ‘No’ Your Default Setting Make ‘No’ Your Default Setting If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. hell yes, It sounds harsh, but think about it: Every "yes" to something you don’t care about is a "no" to the things that actually matter. Every "yes" to something you don’t care about is a "no" to the things that actually matter. And let’s be real—most of the stuff you say yes to? You probably regret it later. 🔹 Extra work projects you don’t have time for? No. No. 🔹 Social events that drain you? No. No. 🔹 Helping someone move again when they never return the favor? Absolutely not. again Absolutely not. Early in your career, saying yes opens doors. Later in life, saying yes closes them. The more valuable your time becomes, the more ruthless you have to be with it. 2️⃣ How to Say ‘No’ Without Sounding Like an Asshole How to Say ‘No’ Without Sounding Like an Asshole Here’s a graceful rejection formula (steal this): graceful rejection formula Thank them for thinking of you. Acknowledge it sounds like a great opportunity. Say you’re overcommitted and can’t give it the attention it deserves. Wish them luck. Thank them for thinking of you. Thank them for thinking of you. Thank them for thinking of you. Acknowledge it sounds like a great opportunity. Acknowledge it sounds like a great opportunity. Acknowledge it sounds like a great opportunity. Say you’re overcommitted and can’t give it the attention it deserves. Say you’re overcommitted and can’t give it the attention it deserves. Say you’re overcommitted and can’t give it the attention it deserves. Wish them luck. Wish them luck. Wish them luck. Example: "Hey [Name], thanks for reaching out! This sounds like an amazing project, and I really appreciate you thinking of me. Unfortunately, I’m already stretched too thin, and I wouldn’t be able to give it the time it deserves. I know it’ll turn out great, and I’m excited to see where you take it!" "Hey [Name], thanks for reaching out! This sounds like an amazing project, and I really appreciate you thinking of me. Unfortunately, I’m already stretched too thin, and I wouldn’t be able to give it the time it deserves. I know it’ll turn out great, and I’m excited to see where you take it!" ✅ Respectful. ✅ No over-explaining. ✅ No guilt. The key? Don’t leave room for negotiation. Don’t leave room for negotiation. People respect clear boundaries. They walk all over vague ones. 3️⃣ Boundaries Are a Cheat Code for Sanity Boundaries Are a Cheat Code for Sanity There’s a quote I love: "Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments." "Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments." "Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments." "Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments." If someone keeps overstepping, it’s your job to make the boundary clear. your Here’s a 5-step boundary-setting script to use: 5-step boundary-setting script “Is now a bad time?” (This makes people more receptive.) “When you ____, I feel ____.” (State the issue calmly.) “I have a personal rule where I only allow/don’t allow ____.” (Frame it as a rule, not a request.) “If you keep doing ____, I’ll have to ____.” (Set a consequence if needed.) “I hope we can make this work.” (End on a positive note.) “Is now a bad time?” (This makes people more receptive.) “Is now a bad time?” (This makes people more receptive.) “Is now a bad time?” “When you ____, I feel ____.” (State the issue calmly.) “When you ____, I feel ____.” (State the issue calmly.) “When you ____, I feel ____.” “I have a personal rule where I only allow/don’t allow ____.” (Frame it as a rule, not a request.) “I have a personal rule where I only allow/don’t allow ____.” (Frame it as a rule, not a request.) “I have a personal rule where I only allow/don’t allow ____.” “If you keep doing ____, I’ll have to ____.” (Set a consequence if needed.) “If you keep doing ____, I’ll have to ____.” (Set a consequence if needed.) “If you keep doing ____, I’ll have to ____.” “I hope we can make this work.” (End on a positive note.) “I hope we can make this work.” (End on a positive note.) “I hope we can make this work.” This works in every scenario—work, relationships, friendships, even family. every Because the moment you start enforcing boundaries, you start teaching people how to treat you. teaching people how to treat you. 4️⃣ Be Kind, Not ‘Nice’ Be Kind, Not ‘Nice’ There’s a huge difference: Nice people avoid hard conversations to keep the peace. Nice people Kind people have hard conversations because they actually care. Kind people 🔹 A nice manager sugarcoats feedback to avoid hurt feelings. nice 🔹 A kind manager gives honest feedback because they want their team to improve. kind 🔹 A nice friend agrees with you even when you’re making bad decisions. nice 🔹 A kind friend calls you out because they don’t want you to wreck your life. kind Niceness is performative. performative. Kindness is constructive. constructive. Be kind. And stop wasting your time being nice to people who don’t deserve it. nice 5️⃣ Normalize the ‘Gift of Goodbye’ Normalize the ‘Gift of Goodbye’ You don’t owe loyalty to: ❌ Friends who drain your energy. Friends who drain your energy. ❌ Jobs that make you miserable. Jobs that make you miserable. ❌ Relationships that make you feel small. Relationships that make you feel small. If something isn’t adding to your life, it’s subtracting from it. adding to your life, High-value people walk away from things that don’t serve them. walk away from things that don’t serve them. And the best part? You don’t need closure. You don’t need a long explanation. You just need to decide. closure. long explanation. decide. "This no longer works for me." "This no longer works for me." That’s all you need. How to Actually Stop People-Pleasing How to Actually Stop People-Pleasing Say ‘No’ More Often → If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. Learn to Say ‘No’ Gracefully → Polite, firm, and final. Set Clear Boundaries → You teach people how to treat you. Be Kind, Not ‘Nice’ → Honesty > Avoiding conflict. Normalize Walking Away → You don’t owe anyone your time. Say ‘No’ More Often → If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. Say ‘No’ More Often → If it’s not a hell yes , it’s a no. Say ‘No’ More Often hell yes no. Learn to Say ‘No’ Gracefully → Polite, firm, and final. Learn to Say ‘No’ Gracefully → Polite, firm, and final. Learn to Say ‘No’ Gracefully Set Clear Boundaries → You teach people how to treat you. Set Clear Boundaries → You teach people how to treat you. Set Clear Boundaries Be Kind, Not ‘Nice’ → Honesty > Avoiding conflict. Be Kind, Not ‘Nice’ → Honesty > Avoiding conflict. Be Kind, Not ‘Nice’ Normalize Walking Away → You don’t owe anyone your time. Normalize Walking Away → You don’t owe anyone your time. Normalize Walking Away Your job is not to be liked by everyone. not Your job is to be true to yourself. be true to yourself. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, your time, or your energy… they’re not your people. they’re not your people. Final Thought Final Thought “Don’t be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to please them.” “Don’t be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to please them.” “Don’t be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to please them.” “Don’t be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to please them.” You can’t make everyone happy. So you might as well start with yourself. Until next time, Ben

Every

A “Don’t Do” List Can Change Your Life

Charlie Munger’s Brain Toolbox Wasn’t Sexy—Just Unreasonably Effective

Get the Overthinker’s Mastery Guide

Too Long; Didn't Read

Boost your HackerNoon story @ $159.99! 🚀

You're Not a Doormat — So Stop Laying Down for Everyone

About Author

Comments

TOPICS

THIS ARTICLE WAS FEATURED IN

Related Stories

Untitled Story

A “Don’t Do” List Can Change Your Life

10 Entrepreneurial Mindset Notes

#1 — From Ideation to Landing Page

12 Podcasts to Make You Think Like the Top 0.01%

14 Habits Of The Growth Hacker Mindset: A Deep Dive

A “Don’t Do” List Can Change Your Life

10 Entrepreneurial Mindset Notes

#1 — From Ideation to Landing Page

12 Podcasts to Make You Think Like the Top 0.01%

14 Habits Of The Growth Hacker Mindset: A Deep Dive

Light-Mode

Classic

Newspaper

Dark-Mode

Neon Noir

Minty

HN StartUps