Your False Advertisement Broke My Windshield
Marketing Expert. Very professional.
You know that strange feeling when you see the name Al Pacino in a sentence and without your consent, you just start adjusting your reading?
It’s kinda like you are leaning back on the front seat of your car when you are waiting for someone or something.
It’s not that you read it in his voice. It is just… different…
I took the subway the other day and saw an ad for KingNugets. Just a nice, big, tasty and very juicy bucket of nuggets. I don’t even know if it is chicken but it was looking mighty tasty.
Since my bank was closed and I don’t trust those God damn machines that create money out of plastic, I just went home and forgot about it.
You should know that I am at that age where time is just a linear path towards your death bed, so I was firmly asleep by 10.
My mornings usually start at 6 because I feel like I would be missing out on something even though every morning is exactly the same. It’s like life is pulling a cheap FOMO prank on me.
It’s a tragedy when you think about it.
My next morning would also start at the usual time if that friendly-looking Chinese guy didn’t convince me that those batteries are super-durable. He was very specific about it.
See? It says super-durable on the package. Very good price.
You don’t have to be Albert Einstein to figure out that the alarm clock didn’t go off and my morning was ruined. At least that’s how I felt when I woke up at 9.
Boy, do I hate false advertisement…
It wasn’t anger, it was just that I am missing out on that thing that I like and I honestly don’t know how many more chances I will be getting.
A logical chain of events occurred after that realization. My fear of missing out signaled my brain that we should do something about it and my brain took a while but it eventually signaled me that we should do something about it.
And so we did.
I went straight to the bank with the batteries in my pocket. I also have the receipt because old people anticipate these things. It is pointless trying to explain why. You are just not ready for that information yet.
My trip to the bank was refreshing. The air felt different at 9 o'clock. I forgot about that...
The bank door opens, I am greeted and served as a gentleman and no one is asking for plastic.
You should try it sometimes, it is a rather pleasant experience.
On my way out I see another KingNugets ad. This time it was bigger and I could smell the taste because I was hungry like a wolf. I felt like running after that bus but my logic reassured me that there is no prize at the end of that marathon.
Only a stroke after an exhausting 15-meter dash.
Luckily, a window of opportunity for a detour has just opened up. Time to get that bucket and to hell with my cholesterol.
I go for the drive-through at MrKingNugget and a kid stops me to ask for the time. I look at my watch, pass on the information to this unsupervised minor and continue my journey.
My mood was getting better and I was seconds away from picking up my order.
After I am done with that bucket I will have more energy to fight for my consumer rights than those batteries had in mint state.
Who will stand up for the people if not me? “It all starts with an idea”, that’s what they always told me.
But a strange turn of events would soon unfold that will baffle me to this day.
I hear a knock on my window, I turn my head to the right and it’s that Chinese guy from the store. He recognized me and before I could say anything he started apologizing for giving me the wrong batteries.
I didn’t know how to react.
I was pleased because someone recognizes me and I was also pleasantly surprised by his honesty. Not many sales people posses that ability.
I had all of those complaints lined up in my mind and rehearsed at least 20 times. Am I just going to let it slide?
Eh… I guess we can use it another time.
Waking up at 9 didn’t turn out so bad after all.
The only thing that is missing is that bucket of KingNugets and a pissed off kid that just threw a rock at my windshield.
Where did he even find a rock that big?
At this point, you just have to ask yourself, what the fuck is going on here?
The kid was screaming at the top of his lungs. He was properly pissed like someone stole his lunch or something. For some reason, I was labeled as a liar and the noise was becoming a bit irritating.
What are we doing here? This is not the school, I’m not the nerd and you broke my damn windshield kid!
I was thinking about getting out of the car and punting him across the parking lot but there was his mother running in the distance like this was some dramatic Hollywood scene.
I couldn’t hear her, obviously, because her triggered offspring had no plans of shutting up.
A lot of screaming and shouting followed.
She shouted at me, I shouted at her, the kid shouted at the Chinese guy and I had another reason to shout back at him…
It took a while but a civilized level of conversation was eventually established.
As it turns out, the kid has “anger management issues” (whatever that may be) and he doesn’t like to be lied to.
Since the watch I was wearing came from the same shop that I visited yesterday, the kid somehow figured out that I didn’t give him the correct answer.
How come he didn’t figure out that I was limited by this piece of technology that was made who knows where and doesn’t perform the task it is made for in the first place?
And why would he even think that I lied to him?
What’s with the fact-checking kid?
It says “marketing expert” on your car sir. He has anger management issues, not brain damage.
That’s what his mother said right before all three of them took off leaving me with a lot of questions about my ego and a broken windshield.
It was an awkward moment…
This whole mess lasted for about 5 minutes. Maybe less. How can I know? That thing still doesn’t work...
After a brief pause, I handed over the money, took that bucket and put it on my lap.
I was never more disappointed in my life…
Did you know they photoshop those ads to make the nuggets look bigger? The things these kids can do with technology…
My day was officially ruined once more, my breakfast was way below my lowest expectations and there was no one left to pay for that windshield.
I think I read once in a very old book that there are these tiny moments of honesty every once in a while. They are time-limited but they are strong enough to get the best out of you and make you do the thing you really want to do.
If you ever saw the movie Scent of a Woman and got all the way to the scene where they are all arguing at the table, you would know that I am having the same look on my face as Al Pacino did in that scene. I think I even went blind for a second or two.
So… I did the the only logical thing I could think of.
I leaned back, I looked at that girl that sold me this bucket of lies and I said very clearly:
You know what miss? Your false advertisement broke my windshield today and someone will have to pay for it… Can I speak to your manager, please?
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