You Should Be Giving Feedback That Builds, Not Breaks: Here's How

Managers worry about the performance of their team members all the time―who’s doing well, who isn’t performing, and what can be done to make them excel? They understand that feedback is the perfect tool to bridge the gap between expectations and performance. This makes some managers overly enthusiastic about sharing their critique―they either speak too much at once or give feedback way too frequently. Too much feedback can feel like drinking from a firehose―it overwhelms your team, dilutes the message, and critical feedback gets lost in the noise. Even well-intentioned feedback, when done in excess, can feel controlling and nitpicky, damaging motivation and trust. On the other extreme are managers who say too little or go silent. Silence is often perceived the wrong way―employees assume everything’s going well, resulting in big surprises during performance reviews. Little feedback also creates uncertainty and delays growth as people don’t know how they’re doing or what they need to do to improve. Feedback is valuable information about where one stands now and what to work on next. It is welcome input rather than upsetting verdict. ― Douglas Stone Feedback is valuable information about where one stands now and what to work on next. It is welcome input rather than upsetting verdict. ― Douglas Stone When giving feedback, the quality of feedback matters as much as its quantity. Feedback can be damaging to a team's productivity and performance if not delivered well. To give effective feedback that lands well, pay attention to these five practices: Don’t try to protect their feelings. Constructive feedback is not only hard to deliver, but even harder to hear. It stings, hurts, and evokes strong negative emotions. Most managers fear this reaction—what if they turn defensive, take it the wrong way, or hold it against them? What if it demotivates them and makes them put even less effort at work? The fear of how the feedback will be perceived can make managers extremely cautious about what to convey and what to hold back. Worrying that the feedback will make their team members feel bad can prevent them from saying things they need to say. When protecting feelings enters the equation, what gets delivered is a watered-down version of the truth while honest feedback takes a backseat. Softening the message to gain acceptance or avoid conflict may seem like a good thing to do—trying to be nice to your team and showing that you care about their feelings can earn you their trust and respect in the short-term—but holding off on critical feedback prevents them from learning and growing which eventually makes them frustrated, doubt your competence, and stop taking anything you say or do seriously. Withholding feedback to make them feel good today prevents you from being candid about things they need to improve upon to be better tomorrow. Instead of worrying about protecting their feelings, find ways to channel this energy into constructive action. What did not go so well for them? What prevented them from achieving the desired results? What changes can help them do better next time? How do they plan to implement these changes? What support or help do they need? How can they measure their progress to change and adapt? What did not go so well for them? What prevented them from achieving the desired results? What changes can help them do better next time? How do they plan to implement these changes? What support or help do they need? How can they measure their progress to change and adapt? Feeling bad is not just an unfortunate consequence of hearing honest feedback, it is a necessary consequence. Anxiety and sadness serve a key motivational function—they make your brain want to take action to get rid of them. Negative feelings focus attention and resources on the task at hand. They are like fuel for your fire. — Heidi Grant Feeling bad is not just an unfortunate consequence of hearing honest feedback, it is a necessary consequence. Anxiety and sadness serve a key motivational function—they make your brain want to take action to get rid of them. Negative feelings focus attention and resources on the task at hand. They are like fuel for your fire. — Heidi Grant For example: Instead of: This deal didn’t turn out the way we expected. You tried your best, and it’s not really your fault. Next time, try to do better. Instead of: This deal didn’t turn out the way we expected. You tried your best, and it’s not really your fault. Next time, try to do better. Say this: Let’s talk about the deal. I noticed that you were not prepared to handle the client’s queries. I hope you understand the impact of losing this deal on our company’s bottom line. What do you think went wrong, and how can you prevent it in the future? Say this: Let’s talk about the deal. I noticed that you were not prepared to handle the client’s queries. I hope you understand the impact of losing this deal on our company’s bottom line. What do you think went wrong, and how can you prevent it in the future? Instead of: That was a decent presentation! Maybe just work on being a little clearer next time. Instead of: That was a decent presentation! Maybe just work on being a little clearer next time. Say this: Your presentation lacked structure, and some key points were unclear. How can you structure your presentation differently to make your key points clearer? Say this: Your presentation lacked structure, and some key points were unclear. How can you structure your presentation differently to make your key points clearer? Tough feedback may be hard to hear, but it’s necessary for growth. Stop sugarcoating; be candid and straightforward. Give actionable feedback that helps your team grow instead of leaving them in the dark. Make them feel in control. Feedback can make people feel vulnerable, but it shouldn’t make them feel weak, powerless, inadequate, unworthy, or engage in self-doubt. Delivering feedback in a manner that takes away their sense of responsibility robs them of their sense of control―improving performance in the future requires taking responsibility for their past actions. A sense of control gives confidence by turning feedback into an opportunity to improve, while a lack of control lowers self-worth and makes it look like nothing they do can improve their skills and make them perform better. sense of control sense of control Give feedback that encourages them to own their mistakes, handle failures with curiosity, ask questions, make suggestions, raise concerns, and challenge ideas to move forward instead of doubting their ability to succeed in their role. The more responsibility people take, the more resilient they are likely to be. The less responsibility people take - for their actions, for their lives, for their happiness - the more likely it is that life will crush them. At the root of resilience is the willingness to take responsibility for results. — Eric Greitens The more responsibility people take, the more resilient they are likely to be. The less responsibility people take - for their actions, for their lives, for their happiness - the more likely it is that life will crush them. At the root of resilience is the willingness to take responsibility for results. — Eric Greitens For example: Instead of: You're not good at decision-making. Instead of: You're not good at decision-making. Say this: Decision-making is an area where you can grow, and I believe you have the ability to get better. Decision-making gets easier with experience. What smaller decisions can you take ownership of to build confidence? Say this: Decision-making is an area where you can grow, and I believe you have the ability to get better. Decision-making gets easier with experience. What smaller decisions can you take ownership of to build confidence? Instead of: Going forward, I’ll take care of the planning meeting because I don’t think you can handle conflicts well. Instead of: Going forward, I’ll take care of the planning meeting because I don’t think you can handle conflicts well. Say this: Conflict resolution is something you can develop. What approaches do you think could help you navigate disagreements in this meeting more effectively? Say this: Conflict resolution is something you can develop. What approaches do you think could help you navigate disagreements in this meeting more effectively? Frame feedback as a skill to develop rather than a personal flaw. Make your team feel capable, motivated, and in control of their growth by focusing on potential, not failure. Supportive and constructive feedback is key to long-term improvement. Stay sincere, not manipulative. Managers who praise their team all the time, even when they don’t deserve it, believe that feel-good feedback will keep their team happy and motivated to perform better. But showering them with praise that doesn’t add up leaves them feeling confused, manipulated, and frustrated. manipulated, manipulated Saying “Excellent job on that presentation,” even when they messed up, leaves them feeling worse. They think that their manager either did not pay attention to their presentation or simply does not care. “Excellent job on that presentation,” Saying “Terrific work pulling that together in such a short timeframe” for an easy job that anyone in the team could have done either makes them feel stupid, “My manager thinks that’s all I am capable of,” or manipulated “My manager is praising me so that they can keep giving me such menial work at the last minute.” “Terrific work pulling that together in such a short timeframe” “My manager thinks that’s all I am capable of,” “My manager is praising me so that they can keep giving me such menial work at the last minute.” Insincere feedback is easy to spot because when you say things that you don’t really mean, your words and body language don’t align, making feedback feel hollow or condescending. No eye contact Fake smile Slow claps Glancing at your phone while speaking Arms crossed while leaning back No eye contact No eye contact Fake smile Fake smile Slow claps Slow claps Glancing at your phone while speaking Glancing at your phone while speaking Arms crossed while leaning back Arms crossed while leaning back These nonverbal cues send signals to the other person that you’re being insincere in your praise. Appreciation is important, but only when your team feels noticed, valued, and recognized for doing work that matters. Nothing is more effective than sincere, accurate praise, and nothing is more lame than a cookie-cutter compliment. — Bill Walsh Nothing is more effective than sincere, accurate praise, and nothing is more lame than a cookie-cutter compliment. — Bill Walsh For example: Saying “That was really impressive, good job” while being rushed and dismissive makes it seem like an obligation rather than genuine appreciation. Saying “That was really impressive, good job” while being rushed and dismissive makes it seem like an obligation rather than genuine appreciation. Saying “Nice work” in a dull and lifeless tone makes them question if it’s even worth anything. Saying “Nice work” in a dull and lifeless tone makes them question if it’s even worth anything. Praise is effective when it’s sincere and manipulative when it’s insincere. Fake praise loses its motivational impact and can instead foster resentment and lower morale. Make your appreciation count—don’t give it too freely or without meaning. Talk about effort, not talent. When giving feedback, applauding people for their smartness, telling them how brilliant they are, or how their talent enables them to be successful at work, promotes a fixed mindset—it conveys a message that intelligence and personality are fixed and no amount of effort can enhance them. If you don’t have the talent, you can never succeed at work. Fixed mindset interferes with your team’s ability to handle setbacks—they give up, quit too soon, and may refuse to even try. They don’t acknowledge mistakes, consider failure as a sign of incompetence, and are reluctant to take up new challenges with the fear that they might fail. They take up less risky work to prove their smartness as opposed to embracing opportunities that will make them learn. Instead of praising people for their talent, when giving feedback, praise them for their effort, for persevering through a difficult task, trying new strategies, seeking help, and staying determined to achieve their goals. This kind of feedback promotes a growth mindset—it conveys a message that skills and abilities can be built with the right kind of effort. growth mindset growth mindset People with a growth mindset take joy in learning instead of proving themselves. They aren’t afraid to step outside their comfort zone, accept mistakes, or face obstacles because each such challenge is an opportunity to learn and do better. Employees in the fixed-mindset companies not only say that their companies are less likely to support them in risk-taking and innovation, they are also far more likely to agree that their organizations are rife with cutthroat or unethical behavior. When organizations put the premium on natural talent, then everyone wants to be the superstar, everyone wants to shine brighter than the others, and people may be more likely to cheat or cut corners to do so. Teamwork can take a nosedive. Our best bet is not simply to hire the most talented managers we can find and turn them loose, but to look for managers who also embody a growth mindset: a zest for teaching and learning, an openness to giving and receiving feedback, and an ability to confront and surmount obstacles. It also means we need to train leaders, managers, and employees to believe in growth, in addition to training them in the specifics of effective communication and mentoring. — Carol Dweck Employees in the fixed-mindset companies not only say that their companies are less likely to support them in risk-taking and innovation, they are also far more likely to agree that their organizations are rife with cutthroat or unethical behavior. When organizations put the premium on natural talent, then everyone wants to be the superstar, everyone wants to shine brighter than the others, and people may be more likely to cheat or cut corners to do so. Teamwork can take a nosedive. Our best bet is not simply to hire the most talented managers we can find and turn them loose, but to look for managers who also embody a growth mindset: a zest for teaching and learning, an openness to giving and receiving feedback, and an ability to confront and surmount obstacles. It also means we need to train leaders, managers, and employees to believe in growth, in addition to training them in the specifics of effective communication and mentoring. — Carol Dweck For example: Instead of: You're a natural speaker—you have a gift for this! Instead of: You're a natural speaker—you have a gift for this! Say this: I could tell you practiced a lot. Your confidence and clarity really improved! Say this: I could tell you practiced a lot. Your confidence and clarity really improved! Instead of: You’re a born leader! Instead of: You’re a born leader! Say this: I noticed how you listened to everyone’s ideas before making a decision. That really helped the team move forward. Say this: I noticed how you listened to everyone’s ideas before making a decision. That really helped the team move forward. Stop discouraging growth by making people believe that success is based on talent alone. Give feedback that focuses on effort, perseverance, and learning, not innate ability. Be specific, not vague. Feedback is valuable only when it clearly states the behavior or action that needs to be repeated or must be stopped. By highlighting what’s valued at work and what’s not tolerated, you give a clear direction to people on the changes they must make to be more effective at work. But most managers don’t give feedback much thought. All they do to give in-the-moment feedback is pass a fleeting comment that’s easy to overlook or misunderstand, leaving people feeling confused, resentful, or upset. That was great. Good job. Nice work. You need to communicate better. Your presentation sucked. That was great. That was great. Good job. Good job. Nice work. Nice work. You need to communicate better. You need to communicate better. Your presentation sucked. Your presentation sucked. Vague feedback like this is easy—it doesn’t require much thinking or effort. You give it, you forget about it, and so does the other person. Without detailing what you liked or disliked about their work, you cannot expect them to take any action. Such feedback makes you feel good—you think you did your part of the job—but it does nothing to advance your team or help them grow. Specific feedback requires crafting a thoughtful message that’s easy to understand and apply. It’s not ambiguous or leaves the other person guessing. It clearly states what they did, what worked, or did not work, and the corresponding impact so that they’re encouraged to repeat good behaviors and give up on the ones that push them back. Radical Candor is what happens when managers show that they care personally for employees while also challenging them directly with clear, kind feedback that is not aggressive or insincere.— Kim Scott Radical Candor is what happens when managers show that they care personally for employees while also challenging them directly with clear, kind feedback that is not aggressive or insincere.— Kim Scott For example: Instead of: You need to improve your attitude. Instead of: You need to improve your attitude. Say this: In yesterday’s meeting, some of your comments came across as dismissive. How do you think we can approach disagreements more constructively as a team? Say this: In yesterday’s meeting, some of your comments came across as dismissive. How do you think we can approach disagreements more constructively as a team? Instead of: You’re not proactive enough. Instead of: You’re not proactive enough. Say this: In the last two projects, I noticed you waited for direction before moving forward. What might help you feel more confident in taking the lead on the next steps? Say this: In the last two projects, I noticed you waited for direction before moving forward. What might help you feel more confident in taking the lead on the next steps? When you give feedback, be as specific as possible. Ambiguity leaves team members guessing and blocks real improvement. If they aren’t improving despite giving feedback, don’t blame them or label them ineffective. Focus on delivering feedback that’s actionable, not vague. don’t blame don’t blame Summary Feedback that focuses on protecting the team's feelings blocks real improvement. You may soften it to make it less intense and hide details that may upset team members or make them feel bad. But not giving candid feedback, even when it’s tough, dilutes the message and makes it ineffective. Feedback that makes the person feel powerless, hopeless, or engage in self-doubt does more harm than good. It takes away their sense of control, which makes them waste time ruminating about the feedback instead of taking action. Share feedback that empowers, not de-motivates. Appreciating people at work is a powerful way to recognize their contributions and make them feel good. But when praise is given too frequently or without meaning, it loses its value. Insincere praise lowers morale as people feel exploited and manipulated. Be genuine; give feedback only when they deserve it. Tying talent to success at work without factoring in the value of hard work, effort, and perseverance makes people give up or quit too soon. They put more effort into proving themselves than into learning something new. Talent can make it easy in the beginning, but when faced with an obstacle, it’s the mindset that counts—do they believe in their ability to fix things and move forward, or do they think no amount of effort can improve their situation? Promote a growth mindset; don’t limit them with too much focus on talent. The easiest form of feedback is vague, which doesn’t require much thinking or many words. When you give general feedback without substantiating it with instances and examples, it’s forgotten as soon as it’s given. Without specifying the behaviors and actions that must be repeated or stopped, people can’t act on it. Specific feedback requires thinking and effort; don’t shy away from it. Feedback that focuses on protecting the team's feelings blocks real improvement. You may soften it to make it less intense and hide details that may upset team members or make them feel bad. But not giving candid feedback, even when it’s tough, dilutes the message and makes it ineffective. Feedback that focuses on protecting the team's feelings blocks real improvement. You may soften it to make it less intense and hide details that may upset team members or make them feel bad. But not giving candid feedback, even when it’s tough, dilutes the message and makes it ineffective. Feedback that makes the person feel powerless, hopeless, or engage in self-doubt does more harm than good. It takes away their sense of control, which makes them waste time ruminating about the feedback instead of taking action. Share feedback that empowers, not de-motivates. Feedback that makes the person feel powerless, hopeless, or engage in self-doubt does more harm than good. It takes away their sense of control, which makes them waste time ruminating about the feedback instead of taking action. Share feedback that empowers, not de-motivates. Appreciating people at work is a powerful way to recognize their contributions and make them feel good. But when praise is given too frequently or without meaning, it loses its value. Insincere praise lowers morale as people feel exploited and manipulated. Be genuine; give feedback only when they deserve it. Appreciating people at work is a powerful way to recognize their contributions and make them feel good. But when praise is given too frequently or without meaning, it loses its value. Insincere praise lowers morale as people feel exploited and manipulated. Be genuine; give feedback only when they deserve it. Tying talent to success at work without factoring in the value of hard work, effort, and perseverance makes people give up or quit too soon. They put more effort into proving themselves than into learning something new. Talent can make it easy in the beginning, but when faced with an obstacle, it’s the mindset that counts—do they believe in their ability to fix things and move forward, or do they think no amount of effort can improve their situation? Promote a growth mindset; don’t limit them with too much focus on talent. Tying talent to success at work without factoring in the value of hard work, effort, and perseverance makes people give up or quit too soon. They put more effort into proving themselves than into learning something new. Talent can make it easy in the beginning, but when faced with an obstacle, it’s the mindset that counts—do they believe in their ability to fix things and move forward, or do they think no amount of effort can improve their situation? Promote a growth mindset; don’t limit them with too much focus on talent. The easiest form of feedback is vague, which doesn’t require much thinking or many words. When you give general feedback without substantiating it with instances and examples, it’s forgotten as soon as it’s given. Without specifying the behaviors and actions that must be repeated or stopped, people can’t act on it. Specific feedback requires thinking and effort; don’t shy away from it. The easiest form of feedback is vague, which doesn’t require much thinking or many words. When you give general feedback without substantiating it with instances and examples, it’s forgotten as soon as it’s given. Without specifying the behaviors and actions that must be repeated or stopped, people can’t act on it. Specific feedback requires thinking and effort; don’t shy away from it. This story was previously published here. Follow me on LinkedIn or here for more stories. here LinkedIn