Jennifer Hoelzer

@jihoelzer

I’m Sorry, Surface, But I Just Can’t Anymore.

That’s nice, but I’M not the one, who won’t charge.

Dear Microsoft Surface,

I really tried to make this work. You know I did. But I just can’t any more.

I’d say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” but we both know it’s you.

That’s not to say you don’t have many, wonderful qualities. You do. I mean, while this may have begun as a relationship of convenience, a rebound, if you will — after Macbook quit me over a few measly drops of water — you fast proved to be more than just a cheaper replacement.

You were light weight, and — dare I say — a little sexy? You seduced me with that smart pen of yours and the way you let me use One Note to highlight and take notes. I still love that…I will always love that. And not only could you handle a few drops of water, I’ll never forget the time that waiter knocked an entire bottle on you and you just kept going like nothing happened. I’ll always be grateful for that, just as I was grateful, when Microsoft replaced you the first time we went to them for help — no questions asked — lord knows, the geniuses over at Apple don’t do that.

But none of that makes up for the fact that you have a charging problem. And not just a little charging problem. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve needed you to be there for me, only to have you cut me off mid-sentence. All the nights I thought you were home charging, only to find out, you were “plugged in [but] not charging”…not even a little. And, it wouldn’t be such a big deal, if you’d just run off a power cord, like Mac. But no, you can’t do that.

Lord knows, I tried to stick by you…to help you work through this. I bought you new cords and tried everything the message boards said I should try. We uninstalled and reinstalled drivers. Downloaded updates. I even tried “alternative treatments.” Remember the rubbing alcohol and q-tips? But did you care? Nope. No matter what I did, you just kept refusing to charge. Until, one day, I couldn’t turn you on at all.

I should have walked away then — oh, to go back in time — but Microsoft convinced us to give it another go. “A fresh start,” they said. And I’ll admit, things got better for awhile. But it wasn’t long before, your charging light stopped coming on and there I was — again — buying you a new charger. Yeah, I know it needs to sit flush, but why is it so hard to sit flush? Apple uses magnets, why can’t you just use magnets?!! Do you see what you do to me? If not…remember how I used to balance you on a pie cooling rack, placed on a stool, just a few inches below the wall outlet in the kitchen, because it was LITERALLY the ONLY way I could get you to drop the “plugged in, but not charging” BS and just charge.

THEN we bought the docking station, and you know what? I actually thought we were going to make it work this time. Sure, you put on some weight. (Who am I kidding? You quadrupled in size.) But, it didn’t matter to me. You were charging, and who doesn’t love a few extra USB ports? But it hasn’t even been three months and here I am, running around the house in search of an appliance with an A/C adapter I can pilfer, just to get YOU to perform basic functions. Have I no self respect? I’m like a poster child for co-dependence.

I can’t live like this anymore.

So, that’s it. I’m done. We’ll make it work for now, but as soon as I have the cash, I’m going back to MacBook. I know that means sippy cups and not-smart pens, but at least I’ll know, I can always turn him on.

Give my best to Cortana,

Jen

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