How to Distribute Kittens the Computer Network Protocol Way (Hacker Humor)

This was first published on the Russian IT-blog Habr. In my opinion it is a nice example of hacker humor that is worth translating into English.

How would finding a new home for a kitten look like if it were done in a computer network protocol way?

DHCP

1. Tie the kitten to a long leash
2. Let kitten walk free in a crowd
3. When the new owner is found, they untie the kitten and take it 

HTTPS

"Do you need a kitten?"

"Does it have the pedigree and the pet vaccination certificate?"

"Here. Isn’t your passport expired?"

"No, just looks like this as it is a Zimbabwean one. But is it really a kitten?"

"Well yes."

"Then why does its pedigree describe it as a German Shepherd?"

TCP

"Hello!"

"Hello!"

"Can I ask you a few questions?"

"Yes, just one at a time."

"Do you see a kitten?"

"This one?"

"Yes."

"Yes, I do."

"Would you like to take it?

"No. Do you have any other questions?

"No."

"Bye!"

"Bye!"

UDP

"Here’s the kitten!"

(shoves a kitten to the new owner's hands and runs away)

ICMP

meow

meow

meow

meow

0% voice loss

BGP

"Do you need a kitten?"

"No. I would recommend you to distribute kittens at the marketplace."

"Where is it?"

"Go straight, take the third turn on the left then ask someone. Or turn left and take the third turn on the right, but there is a traffic light which will delay you."

Peer exchange protocol

"Dear friends, please ask your friends if any of them know a person whose neighbors need a kitten!"

SSH

"Honey, while we were on holiday someone seemed to have visited our house!"

"That's terrible! Did he steal something?"

"On the contrary, he left us a kitten!"

CDN

Hi, Granny, you are sitting here distributing kittens all day, could you please find an owner for my kitten too?

No problem honey, it will cost $2.

Translated from: https://m.habr.com/ru/post/487120/