How I Learned to Stop Worrying

My friends and I had a Zoom meeting today to reconnect. While drinking soft drinks and water in our respective homes, we talked about mundane topics. We were skirting the concerns of global violence happening right now. We were able to find something to laugh about, despite the thoughts in the back of our minds. This would carry on until some awkward pause. In the middle of the conversation, came that ambiguous low point when we changed topics. At that time, my friends and I touched upon this quote: 

“We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one” – Confucius. 

When does that second life actually begin? We debated. I remembered myself as a very young girl being sick with a high fever while laying on our yellow couch as my mother wrung her hands over me and pleaded, “Take this medicine right now! Do you want to die?” My headache did not prevent me from pondering then what death was and how conclusive it could be. I remembered the fear on my mother's face. Others remembered when pets died. A goldfish or a beloved dog passing away or being put down. Then, they learned the concept of death with its finality. This was a misunderstanding in our conversation, and we debated to clarify it. It's not when you realize you are mortal and will one day die that the second life begins.

Our consensus was this: It is when you realize you have so little time left and you begin racing to make it worthwhile.

Only after some stress eating and a slight panic attack later had I made a mental note to write this piece. 

It would be wrong to say that the world events of recent days had not affected my thoughts, my actions, and my life. Yes, geopolitical instability of all things is wrecking my moods recently. As a psychiatrist, I know worrying doesn’t help. I should live the serenity prayer. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

What can we do to manage this anxiety and worry about things we can’t control? We can focus on three things: our personal sphere of influence, the present moment, and gratitude. Wiser people have said this in more eloquent ways. It's what I am telling myself. 

The sphere of influence 

What do we really have control over? Just our own actions, right? Our actual sphere of influence is small, but mighty. Our actions have the ability to influence others in our immediate circle greatly. Only we can choose if this influence will be positive or not. 

There is research, for example, that shows social modeling affects our eating habits. If we are around people that eat differently, we can be influenced to change what and how we eat, too. You are more powerful than you think. Use that power for good! 

The present moment 

We are powerless over the past and the future. The present moment is the only time we can change. Whenever I do something in this present moment positively, like eating right or exercising, for example, I think it's because I think of the “Old Lady Me” that would look back on “Me Now'' and appreciate it. Only in the present moment can we make a decision that can create an outcome. I would like to hope I could be wise enough to make the right choice. 

Harvard Business Review published about the present moment in an article by Hal Hershfield. Hershfield had done a study with G. Elliott Wimmer and Brian Knutson at Stanford which “was the first to use fMRI technology to document the disconnect people feel with their future selves.” They found looking at a picture of yourself in old age enables you to have more empathy for your future self. It may also help you make better decisions right now! 

Gratitude 

My friend reminded me during our conversation, “Tomorrow’s not guaranteed.” How true it is that we don’t know what tomorrow will bring! We are powerless in one sense since our only time is the present moment and our only sphere of influence is our ability to control our own actions. 

In any case, we can choose to be powerful when we accept gratitude and appreciate what we have. According to an article by Amy Morin of Psychology Today, gratitude increases mental strength. That means it reduces your susceptibility to stress related illnesses. Gratitude can make you resilient. 

At the end of the day, learn how to stop worrying

So that’s how I learned to stop worrying…. Does it mean that I actually stopped? No, I just learned how. So what is the problem now? I have to do it. It takes practice, like anything worthwhile. I think the fears I have for the future may be shared by others. In any case, the courageous nature of humanity is also hiding behind the terror. History will see it when it holds us up to the mirror. 

References: 

• “How other people influence your eating.” https://www.kcet.org/food-discovery/food/how-other-people-influence-your-eating

• “Serenity Prayer.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

• Morin, Amy. “7 Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude.” “https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201504/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-gratitude#:~:text=His%20research%20confirms%20that%20gratitude,enhances%20empathy%20and%20reduces%20aggression.&text=They%20experienced%20more%20sensitivity%20and,Grateful%20people%20sleep%20better.

• Hirshfield, Hal. “You Make Better Decisions If You “See” Your Senior Self.” https://hbr.org/2013/06/you-make-better-decisions-if-you-see-your-senior-self

Lead Image by Geralt