This Shattered my Ego. and I'm Happy it Did

What if the ego, the thing driving our ambition, might also be quietly sabotaging us?

Man, I think I’m not full of myself, right!? Oh, I think I'm humble but...” I mumbled while reading this book

It’s funny how we don’t always see ourselves clearly until we come across the uncomfortable truth. Having reached some milestones, I subconsciously give myself the right to be correct, the right to think I was, kinda, right. I wasn’t even aware of it. But after reading this book, I saw it. And it stung.

Here’s the lesson that sticks with me on how to be a purposeful and, in my opinion, a better person.

From the great book “Ego is the Enemy” by Ryan Holiday

But first, a quick definition of Ego in the book and this post: “The need to be better than, more than, recognized for, far past any reasonable utility.”

1. The Student Mindset

"We don't like thinking that someone is better than us. Or that we have a lot left to learn."

But the fact is, we have a lot left to learn. As I jumped into a startup journey, I’ve been swimming into a sea of unknowns - from customer service to marketing to coding or even to fundraising. Every new field I dive into reminds me how much I still have to learn. And yet, I get comfortable. I convince myself that I know enough.

This happens

"Too often, convinced of our own intelligence, we stay in a comfort zone that ensures that we never feel stupid"

The lesson I’m taking with me now is this: when I feel uncomfortable, when I see that there’s something that other people are better than me, I will accept it and know that’s the golden moment to learn and improve.

“updating your appraisal of your talents in a downward direction is one of the most difficult things to do in life—but it is almost always a component of mastery.”

Simply put

“You cannot get better if you’re convinced you are the best.”

P.S. This is especially relevant for leaders

“As you become successful in your own field, your responsibilities may begin to change. Days become less and less about doing and more and more about making decisions. It means accepting that others might be more qualified or specialized in areas in which you considered yourself competent—or at least their time is better spent on them than yours.”

2. Action over Talk

This made me pause. Man, I’ve always been a public speaker—acting, presenting. It’s my talent. It’s my thing. But this section reminds me that storytelling should come with solid work.

“many valuable endeavors we undertake are painfully difficult, whether it’s coding a new startup or mastering a craft. But talking, talking is always easy.”

“We seem to think that silence is a sign of weakness. That being ignored is tantamount to death (and for the ego, this is true). So we talk, talk, talk as though our life depends on it.”

This is similar to what Plato said:

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools speak because they have to say something”

But talk depletes us.

I think we like to talk because we're afraid to do the actual work, and it’s more comfortable that way. We begin to confuse talking with progress.

“ Research shows that while goal visualization is important, after a certain point our mind begins to confuse it with actual progress. After spending so much time thinking, explaining, and talking about a task, we start to feel that we’ve gotten closer to achieving it.”

But

“the greatest work and art comes from wrestling with the void, facing it instead of scrambling to make it go away. The question is, when faced with your particular challenge—whether it is researching in a new field, starting a business, producing a film, securing a mentor, advancing an important cause—do you seek the respite of talk or do you face the struggle head-on?”

So at the end of the day, put your head down, roll up your sleeves, be courageous, and do the work. Don’t be a fool

3. Purpose

This single sentence hit me hard. I put it on my phone screen right now:

Dang. Take a few moments and think about that.

The things you decide to do will shape you as a person. So choose the things wisely.

“Purpose is to and for.

(I must do ______. I was put here to accomplish ______. I am willing to endure ______ for the sake of this.)”

Reminders on finding purpose and peer pressures:

“All of us waste precious life doing things we don’t like, to prove ourselves to people we don’t respect, and to get things we don’t want.

So we unconsciously pick up the pace to keep up with others. But what if different people are running for different reasons? What if there is more than one race going on?

Find out why you’re after what you’re after. Ignore those who mess with your pace. Let them covet what you have, not the other way around. Because that’s independence.”

4. The Kindness and Endurance

Reciprocity at its finest. Why you should be kind to others:

“Imagine if for every person you met, you thought of some way to help them, something you could do for them? And you looked at it in a way that entirely benefited them and not you. The cumulative effect this would have over time would be profound. You’d learn a great deal by solving diverse problems. You’d develop a reputation for being indispensable. You’d have countless new relationships. You’d have an enormous bank of favors to call upon down the road.”

Helping others without expecting anything in return builds something far more valuable—reputation, relationships, and goodwill. In a world where recognition is often the end goal, the true impact comes from giving without seeking credit.

On endurance, this is so good. I always want people to recognize and respect us. But it’s not a fairy story, especially for me with my startup. Because

“It is a timeless fact of life that the up-and-coming must endure the abuses of the entrenched.”

So,

“When someone doesn’t reckon you with the seriousness that you’d like, the impulse is to correct them. (As we all wish to say: Do you know who I am?!) You want to remind them of what they’ve forgotten; your ego screams for you to indulge it.

Instead, you must do nothing. Take it. Eat it until you’re sick. Endure it. Quietly brush it off and work harder. Play the game. Ignore the noise; for the love of God, do not let it distract you”

In the end, the work will speak for itself because

“Those who have subdued their ego understand that it doesn’t degrade you when others treat you poorly; it degrades them.”

5. On Working Hard

Do you really get it? Am I really getting it? the effort we have to spend?

“Sure, you get it. You know that all things require work and that work might be quite difficult. But do you really understand? Do you have any idea just how much work there is going to be? Not work until you get your big break, not work until you make a name for yourself, but work, work, work, forever and ever.”

I kept thinking about top athletes and the effort they put into the practice. Kobe Bryant, Ronaldo,... and hours of work alone on the field.

“Work is finding yourself alone at the track when the weather kept everyone else indoors. Work is pushing through the pain and crappy first drafts and prototypes. It is ignoring whatever plaudits others are getting, and more importantly, ignoring whatever plaudits you may be getting. Because there is work to be done. Work doesn’t want to be good. It is made so, despite the headwind.”

Final words

“It doesn’t make you a bad person to want to be remembered. To want to make it to the top... But there is a balance.”

“We never earn the right to be greedy or to pursue our interests at the expense of everyone else. To think otherwise is not only egotistical, it’s counterproductive.”

I leave myself with this reminder:

“You’re becoming who you are going to be and so you might as well not be an asshole.”

And, of course

“A man is worked upon by what he works on.”