Why the Opinions of Others Don’t Matter

I love noticing how other people see me. Although it matches some of the ways I view myself, it’s never quite the same.

Different people see something different things in me

A wonderful woman I befriended recently called me gracious and it’s the last word I would use to describe myself.

Or a guy who seemed offended that I didn’t want to go out with him called me a narcissist which was like water off a duck’s back because it's just not true.

Or a girl I go to art class with called me vain based off of overhearing a 10min conversation I had with someone else. When I shared this with another friend she said I’d be the last person she would describe as vain.

Or my friend in London who always says I don’t have a mean bone in my body (I do, ha).

Or my bestie who thought I was the most confident person growing up when in fact I felt insecure.

Or my childhood friend who thinks I have the best life living in Bali whereas my family is wondering when I will get my shit together.

I could go on and on.

I realized that all of these descriptions of me have nothing to do with me!

How we view other people is a reflection of our minds, Of us

The mind always has preferences/likes and dislikes. So when other people describe us they’re simply sharing those preferences. They’re telling us what they value. What they like and dislike.

Let me be clear, it’s not like other people are wrong or right in describing me in a certain way.

It’s just that describing someone else mostly has nothing to do with someone else

You must have heard a saying that what we see in others is a reflection of ourselves. I think that’s true 🤷‍♀️

Here’s a practice I engage in

When I see something I don’t like in someone else I ask myself :

Where have I been/behaved/thought this way? How come I recognize it?

How can I recognize something I haven’t experienced?

If I notice sb being judgmental, I recognize it because I’ve been judgmental before.

If see someone being manipulative, it’s because I have been manipulative before.

Etc. The same goes for the things I do like by the way.

So the way out of this mind opinion game is

1. Surround yourself with people who you know have the highest level of integrity and have done the inner work and who you know you can count on when they describe you a certain way.

It’s more complicated than it seems because most people don’t want to do the inner work, most friendships are based on comfort & avoiding ‘difficult’ conversations and relationships are a breeding ground for manipulation (because we play out childhood patterns) unless both partners have consciously committed to creating a conscious relationship.

That’s why people hire coaches. That’s why it pays off to create a friend circle where every person does their best to live in truth. Because these people you can trust.

2) Train yourself to see each person as a person, not a picture of what your mind prefers.

I do my best to approach each person as a human being, worthy of love, respect, and attention. As fundamentally lovable no matter how much I like/dislike something about them. Interacting with another person isn’t about me. I want people to feel seen and heard after being in my presence and I don’t take my mind’s opinion of someone into consideration.