What We Need Now Is a Little Civility

An Uncivil Campaign Has Set Us Back

An uncivil campaign has set us back. We must do better if we want to be great. What we need now is a little civility.

In a series of experiments by Diana Mutz and Byron Reeves, published in American Political Science Review, incivility in political discourse had adverse effects on the public’s regard for politics. Political trust decreased among those who witnessed televised incivility among candidates. Not only were attitudes toward politicians and Congress influenced, support for the institutions of government also were affected.

It’s not surprising then that with this past election being chalked full of incivility, we have become divisive, spiraled downhill, and witnessed people lashing out at one another, tossing insults, and hitting back. Tens of millions of people have felt belittled based on race, religion, culture, and/or gender. Those that feel disrespected may feel frustrated, disappointed, or fearful of where we stand in the pecking order. We have a chip on our shoulder, and may carry those feelings into interactions with others. We’re not poised to pitch in. As a researcher who has studied incivility over the last two decades, I am incredibly concerned about the consequences for our government and society.

As I’m sure you have seen firsthand, uncivil actions are distracting and debilitating.

Just being around incivility pulls us off track, and often we’re unaware of it.

We don’t focus, remember, or process information as effectively. When faced with relatively minor incidents — when people thoughtlessly put us down, or question our capabilities — we are left with an imprint that whittles away at our performance and our general well-being.

Moreover, incivility inhibits collaboration, thoughtful debate, understanding, and problem solving. In experiments, I’ve found that people who are simply exposed to rudeness are three times less likely to help others and their willingness to share drops by more than half. Moreover, as a mathematical model developed by Yale psychologists Adam Bear and David Rand shows, people who are surrounded by jerks learn intuitively to be selfish and wind up acting selfishly even when cooperating would pay off, precisely because they don’t stop to think.

Incivility is a highly infective and invasive pathogen that can quickly and silently sicken a team, political party, organization, and country.

Most people may not realize just how susceptible they are and the extent to which they are carriers of it. Of course we don’t necessarily mean to be a jerk. Our desire to protect ourselves, to shut someone down, or to put someone in their place overpowers us.

None of this bodes well for the problem solving our nation needs to address the daunting economic, human, health, and international relations issues we face. We can’t allow incivility to fracture us further or jeopardize deals that would help our nation and its people.

For better and for worse, we each have a much bigger effect on one another and our emotions than we might think. In their book Connected, Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler show how happiness spreads not only among pairs of people but also through a network of connected people. Civility and incivility spread the same way.

Fortunately, civility has the power to spread and positively transform our environments. A seemingly small act of kindness can ripple across communities, and positively affect people in our network with whom we may or may not interact directly. So, it’s up to us to do everything we can to spread respect, kindness, and joy to those around us. Each one of us, through even the smallest of actions, has the capacity to be positive, warm, affirming, and energizing. We can change the path of someone’s day, as my sister-in-law, Sarah, says. It doesn’t require grand gestures or huge investments of time. Small actions really do matter. We can:

— Strive to listen more attentively. It’s the foundation of mastering civility, the pathway toward healthy, meaningful, lasting relationships.

— Acknowledge people. Say hello.

— Smile more. (It’s good for you!)

— Thank others.

— Express appreciation. Tell your friends, mentors, coaches and other supporters how much they mean to you.

— Highlight people’s contributions. Tell people how their work or behavior is meaningful. How has it affected you or others?

— Look to include others, especially those who are forgotten or who are in need of our understanding and help.

— Connect people. Think of people it would be advantageous for your friends or colleagues to meet. Your contacts may help them advance their careers or make new friends.

Taking care of yourself through good nutrition, sleep, stress management and exercise can also help ward off incivility’s noxious effects.

Managing your energy in these ways helps to prevent you from being uncivil and respond well in the face of incivility or trolling. Sleep is particularly important; research shows that the lack of it increases your susceptibility to distraction, robbing you of self-control in the face of rudeness. Exercise helps us to respond better to incivility by enabling us to combat the anger, fear, and sadness that incivility typically causes. The more you exercise, the more you build up your cognitive potential and dump the unhelpful thoughts and emotions that weigh you down. Maintaining your energy in other ways, such as healthy eating, helps put you in tip-top form to respond well in the face of rudeness. How well do you respond to frustration when you’re famished? Most of us tend to lash out (or are “hangry”); we lack the self-control required to respond patiently. Similarly, mindfulness — the shifting of your consciousness to process situations more slowly and thoughtfully and to respond more purposefully — can calm you when you’re frustrated and primed to unleash on someone.

While this helps curb incivility, we also need to brace ourselves against rudeness and to fight back hard when incivility is expressed. We will be challenged, but can overcome. When trying to engage in political discourse with someone (online or in person) with different perspectives:

— Follow the cardinal rule: Don’t get sucked in. Recognize that emotions are contagious and anger can escalate very quickly. Give yourself some space to decide what to do.

— Above all, avoid the temptation to get even. Doing so will likely require you to stoop to the other person’s level, which in turn might prove damaging to your reputation.

— Focus on the issue — not the individual — and how the specific behavior harms your and their performance. Remember that their actions might be pulling you off track at work and beyond. Is it worth it? If not, disengage.

— Use your listening skills. Be mindful of not only your words but also your nonverbal communication, especially your tone of voice.

— Think about whether there are ways to either respectfully disagree, engage in a healthy, constructive dialogue, or let it go.

Disagreements won’t just be political, they will occur in other situations too. Many of the people we fundamentally disagree with, for example, are those with whom we need to work. As social neuroscientists Jay van Bavel and Will Cunningham have shown, an effective strategy for limiting unconscious bias is to take a moment to focus on similarities and common identities. Think about your connections with people. Emphasize your shared identity as parents, as residents of a city, as fans of a sports team, as members of a religious community, etc. It’s human nature to feel positively toward members of our own group, so the key is to find a shared identity or group. Remind yourself that you both want a better situation for your country (although you may have very different perspectives on how best to reach that goal).

All of us, no matter how we’ve behaved in the past, can improve. If we care the least bit about ourselves, our work, our organizations, and our society we must improve. During the next four years let’s strive to be more mindful of our actions, connect with others and in whatever small way, make a positive difference in their lives. Are you going to lift people up or hold them down? How do you want to affect people? What impact do you want to have? We’re poised to grow stronger or weaker based on how we treat one another. If we want to rise strong, we need to lift one another up.

So don’t wait. Let’s start today.

By: Christine Porath, author of Mastering Civility: A Manifesto for the Workplace (Grand Central Publishing, 2016) and professor at Georgetown University’s McDonough School of Business.

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