Hackernoon logoStartup Templates: Job Description by@daveheal

Startup Templates: Job Description

This is the second in a series of Startup Templates designed to make it easier for you to publish some of the most commonly written pieces of startup copy. We're looking for passionate and creative people who love [nouns] and work with people who get off on solving real problems in the simplest, most elegant manner possible. We’re a team but also a family. We dream big, iterate fast, and build shit, we say “Shit” a lot.
Dave Heal Hacker Noon profile picture

Dave Heal

Senior Director, Sales & Business Development

This is the second in a series of Startup Templates designed to make it easier for you to publish some of the most commonly written pieces of startup copy. You can find the first entry, the Acquisition Blog Post, here.

Just copy and paste the text below into your CMS, fill in the blanks, and watch the ninjas roll in.

About Us

Fuck naps.

At [Company], we are a relentlessly client-focused group who are re-imagining, re-designing, and re-engineering the way [nouns] do [noun]. We are looking for passionate and creative people who love [nouns] and [nouns] to join our crusade. Yes, crusade. We don’t really read books and so are blissfully unaware of that term’s potential to alienate candidates with any historical sensitivity.

We get off on solving real problems in the simplest, most elegant manner possible and want to work with people who Get. Shit. Done.

We’re a team but also a family. We dream big, iterate fast, and build shit. We say “shit” a lot because it keeps the workplace cool and casual.

Paul Graham once retweeted us.

You

You are a motivated and energetic rockstar [job title] who can be an innovation catalyst in our organization, exhibiting a fanatical commitment to the customer while inspiring the team around them to pioneer the next-generation of [noun] solutions.

You excel in a fast-paced environment. You do your best work while riding the Giant Inverted Boomerang at Six Flags while your pants are literally on fire. If your Six Flags doesn’t have WiFi, you Wi(ll)Fi(nd) a way.

If you thought your high school [girlfriend/boyfriend]’s habit of driving while talking on the phone and eating ramen was reckless, this is not the company for you.

You should be goal-orientated and be able to work without any supervision or mentorship. You thrive in a cross-functional setting. That setting is also—you guessed it—fast-paced. You should not be the kind of person who suggests that maybe “orientated” isn’t the word we were looking for, or even a word at all, or that “cross-functional” is a garbage business neologism for “sends email and doesn’t run away screaming when she has to talk to Bill from Marketing.”

Key Responsibilities

Develop and expand our [X].

Interfacing with key constituents.

Conceive, deliver, and support go-to-market strategies that include [Y].

Driving alignment on [Z] with multiple stakeholders.

Hands-on management of [W].

*If you’re incorporated in the UK, substitute “liaise” for all verbs above.

Requirements

BA or BS in a relevant field. You read that right. We believe it’s critical that you graduated from college. Yes, even though this is a senior management position requiring 10 years of experience and our CEO is a dropout.

Doesn’t smirk when someone says “ideation” in a meeting.

Twitter Bio feminist but consciously props up the phallocracy whenever possible.

Excellent Organization and Communications Skills. Unlike other jobs, it’s important to be organized and communicate effectively.

Shit, we nearly forgot: Proficient in Microsoft Word and Google Docs. Hopefully you’ve used a computer in the last two decades.

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