Mums in Tech: Career and Family Need not Follow XOR (Exclusive OR) Logic

Last Wednesday I’ve joined an event called Mums in Tech, how to balance work & family — Webinar + Virtual Networking, which was held by Women In Tech and hosted by Remo.

This is the first time I’ve joined a WIT event as well as a remote event. As a mum in tech, it’s been hard to find people with whom I can relate to. Most of my colleagues have been men or don’t have kids yet. Even with other mums, conversations about motherhood rarely went beyond superficial topics.

Motherhood can be hard with all the physical and emotional changes, all the exhaustion and sleep deprivation, and all the expectations implicitly or explicitly imposed. It takes a village to raise children, yet we often find ourselves alone. We spent months preparing for the baby’s birth, yet we never really prepared ourselves for the birth of the mother within us.

Besides all these, we can be so hard on ourselves at times. We want to be the best mums for our most precious little treasures, and as we go back to work, we want to prove the world and ourselves how capable we still are.

I remember how hard it was when I went back to work. I was tired and sleep-deprived, and I missed my little baby. Despite my brain not functioning properly (and as a programmer, I really needed it), I tried hard to hide it all and prove myself capable in front of others.

Eventually, I got better on my track. Having an awesome company manager who supported me since pregnancy helped a lot, as she is a mom and she understood how hard it can be and helped me on some occasions. Being appreciated by my company also gave me more confidence to overcome the challenges throughout the past two years.

Being vulnerable is scary. What if others discover that I may not be as productive in my worse days? What if others see me as a less effective member of the team whenever I take days off to take care of my child? My child will always come first. Yet I also want to prove myself capable.

Sometimes I wondered what if I shared how I felt. I did share it a few times on some online communities, but rarely at work because I was afraid of what could happen. Yet on a few occasions, some mums at work did share how insecure they felt, how stressful it was and how much they missed their babies. As they shared their experience, I felt less alone, more understood and that I could also do it too. But most importantly, that it is ok if I’m not doing everything perfectly.

During the Mums in Tech event, the key speakers Romana Ibrahim, Abigail Julian, Candyce Costa, and Kathryn Rose shared their experiences as well as insights on the topic of how to balance family and work. One of the things that came up was how to manage expectations.

Sometimes we expect so much of ourselves that we feel frustrated and exhausted of all the things we want to do. Whether a pile of laundry, a parenting book or professional projects, some days it can be frustrating to not be able to get anything done at all.

But sometimes, what matters is not if we can make everything happen, but that we make things happen even if slower.

It is ok to not do things perfectly. It is ok to not achieve all of our goals right away. As long as we keep on making things happen, we will achieve our goals.

We should also remind ourselves of what we already achieved instead of focusing too much on what is yet to achieve.

This event allowed us to exchange experience with motherhood and work, learn from each other, and feel that we are not alone. That we can do it too. I’m really glad to feel inspired and being able to find others with whom I can relate to.

Mónica Valverde is a programmer, a digital doodler and a mum who develops web applications and chatbots. If you find this story interesting you can check out my featured story here.