I Met Brad Pitt And It Was More Than Underwhelming

Can everyone just sit down and stay quiet for a minute? You know that you don’t have to be here if you don’t want to, right?

I’ll remember that class for as long as I live. Not because I enjoyed admiring their passion for marketing, not because I had a chance to observe their progress in life but because I had a chance to shake hands with Brad Pitt and it was a surprisingly underwhelming experience.

If everyone is settled down can you please open your notebooks and tell me what is our topic today?

Journalism!

Someone shouted after a brief moment of silence.

The things they will tell these kids… "You can be whatever you want to be"… We doomed mankind with that phrase.

OK, that sounds like a boring subject. Can we have a quick vote before we begin, please?

All of you that are here just because you want to become an editor and CEO of an online gossip magazine, please raise your hand.

Mhm…

All of you that would maybe consider journalism as a last resort?

2? That’s a nice… even number. I doubt that they will mind if we change the subject.

Get those notebooks ready and write down the topic of today's discussion.

Tips and Tricks for gossip magazines, publications, blogs and anything else you might think of.

Look at this image and tell me what do you see? 

That is correct. It is a block of text on a sheet of paper. Now why is this block of text so massive and where are all the curvy ladies?

I had no doubt that they won’t find the answer. The letters are too small for a word search and some of the words make no sense. I’m on their side but I do have to answer that question.

The reason for the very existence of this textual monstrosity is because back in the ancient days our ancestors didn’t need to be aroused by the newspaper. They had that thing at home they labeled as a wife.

I can only imagine the horrors these women have been through just because entertainment was underdeveloped…

The newspaper was there to give them vital information about society. By observing that information they were able to start discussions about the things they are doing right and the things they are doing wrong. As a result, problems were resolved more efficiently. At least that is what theory says. 

Politics were a hot topic as well and it was discussed very frequently.

You can’t blame them though, they had no idea how entertaining entertainment can be. It was in its infancy when newspapers were a thing.

Now, look at our next image. That is what I call a story. Not one but three and they all fit on one page.

Oh journalism, how fast have you matured… 

Look at this perfect mix of detective work and the firm grip on important issues concerning her majesty and the whole kingdom. You can even find politics here if you look closely.

Can you not feel the royalty in that “world exclusive”… 

…that sits in the corner in case it turns out that it’s not that big of a story and you can say “that’s why it wasn’t taking up much space”.

Now let us not waste time on admiration. Take out your pens and write this down.

- Credible sources belong in the stone age. Anonymous sources have asserted their dominance and we live in a democracy. We are making a full transition to entertainment now and there is no room for boring subjects.

- If you want success work on that timing. Confirming the story kills the exclusivity and you don’t want to be late to the party. Headlines first, questions later!

- Once a word gets overused reach for the top shelf. If our traffic is stagnating maybe we need to transition from “amazing” to “stunning”. When necessary, repeat the process.

- Feed their curiosity by convincing them they won’t believe what treasures lie just a click away.

- The numbers are your friend. Make things easy by enhancing their expectations with your titles while proportionally reducing the quality of the content. This way you keep your readers stuck in a loop and that loop sends very precise feedback. 

- You can completely eliminate content as a traffic-generating metric because you are constantly dumbing it down. That is why the titles are your product and their success can be accurately measured and adjusted.

If deployed correctly this can eventually become your most effective income stream. Over time you will convince your readers that there is no need to read the descriptions. 

Can you give us an example? 

Sure. Go on YouTube, see what is trending, embed that video in the article, put “Well, this is very interesting…” in the description and add “(Video)” to the title.

 Maximum efficiency — maximum profits and works for every niche.

Now let’s talk about those metrics for a moment. 

Jessy, would you like to share your opinion on the methods that could improve our productivity and profitability even more?

And off she goes… 

As soon as she took over I went to my happy place to observe and reflect while taking a long walk in that magical forest of mine.

The irony of the whole situation is that she is my best student. The numbers don’t lie. She knows every douchebag trick in the business while at the same time being too dumb to understand that her income will depend on the quality of her bullshit.

When you really think about it, can we even judge her? 

Her judgement is clearly clouded by her lack of interest in proper education. That lack of interest could be blamed on the storage capacity of her brain. Every time I teach her a new scumbag move she memorizes it instantly. As a result, a chunk of her common sense gets moved to the cloud. It could be a hardware issue for all we know.

Am I the bad guy in this story?

And you would have to be a complete ass to say that she isn’t passionate about her career choice. So, isn’t our judgement just as clouded when we question their morale while completely ignoring the fact that they were dealt a bad hand by default?

And there goes the fucking light…

Can we get someone to fix this, please?

During her babbling, I was also taking notes. I looked down on the paper and saw my unconscious mind express my most insensitive observation.

- Enhance the lie to enhance the reach

- Add drama when engagement is down

- Piss off the audience that has no interest in your work. A very secure growth hack for short-term business models.

- Add question marks at the end of your lies for legal reasons.

- Sexualize the thumbnails and open that satchel. Gold coins are on the way.

Now if that wasn’t the shortest and most complete how-to-guide for tabloid journalism I don’t know what is. And who let them keep “journalism” in there anyway?

Here comes the guy to fix the light. Looks like we got a replacement today.

God… Do these kids eat anything these days? Maybe he is just a pothead…

I didn’t pay much attention to him at first but he was obviously trying to establish some form of communication with me. I tend not to be a dick in other people’s eyes so I engage in conversation before he reaches out for that awkward handshake he obviously prepared for me.

But… My reaction wasn’t timely and there he was looking for a high five, then going down for a handshake before putting his hands in his pockets. 

I’m no fool. I can wait until you determine the stance you want to take…

Eventually, I shake his hand and ask for his name.

Brad. Brad Pitt sir. I read a lot of your work and even though it may not look like it I am slowly becoming a marketing expert just like you!

My stream of thoughts was moving too fast for the stupidity of this situation. As a result, my brain prevented complete meltdown with a simple Hm…

Pleased to meet you, Brad. Go fix that thing and sit down. We were just about to discuss clickbait.