“Buy a token in one click” — and become a row in someone’s profit spreadsheet. “Buy a token in one click” — and become a row in someone’s profit spreadsheet. 🤖 This Isn't Crypto — It's a Simulation Let’s get this straight: you’re not buying real crypto on Revolut. you’re not buying real crypto on Revolut. You don’t have private keys


You can’t withdraw to your wallet


You can’t deposit from outside You don’t have private keys You don’t have private keys don’t have private keys You can’t withdraw to your wallet You can’t withdraw to your wallet can’t withdraw You can’t deposit from outside You can’t deposit from outside can’t deposit All you can do is buy and sell inside their app — at prices they set, in a sandbox they control. buy and sell they they Does Revolut even hold the actual crypto behind your exposure?
They’re not required to say. Maybe yes. Maybe just vibes. Does Revolut even hold the actual crypto behind your exposure? They’re not required to say. Maybe yes. Maybe just vibes. You're not on the market. You're inside a closed fintech arcade. closed fintech arcade The Glossy Entry Point Revolut aggressively promotes crypto access: “Early access” to hyped tokens
Push notifications with that sweet exclusivity tone
Smooth UX that makes you feel like you’re on Wall Street “Early access” to hyped tokens Push notifications with that sweet exclusivity tone Smooth UX that makes you feel like you’re on Wall Street To the user — easy and cool. To Revolut — low-risk, ultra-profitable retail play low-risk, ultra-profitable retail play How It Actually Works They get tokens early OTC deals, private pools — ahead of public listings.
Sell them to you at a markup Got it for $0.08 — you pay $0.15. Easy margin.
You don’t really own the token You can’t transfer it. No on-chain access. It’s exposure only.
No real market mechanics You buy and sell from Revolut. No order book. No liquidity. Just whatever price they name. They get tokens early OTC deals, private pools — ahead of public listings. They get tokens early Sell them to you at a markup Got it for $0.08 — you pay $0.15. Easy margin. Sell them to you at a markup You don’t really own the token You can’t transfer it. No on-chain access. It’s exposure only. You don’t really own the token No real market mechanics You buy and sell from Revolut. No order book. No liquidity. Just whatever price they name. No real market mechanics Hidden Spreads You Don’t See Buy and sell prices on Revolut rarely match actual market rates.The spread — the difference between buying and selling — can be 3–6% or more. 3–6% 💡 Example: BTC market price = $105,000
Revolut "Buy" price = $110,000
Revolut "Sell" price = $100,000 BTC market price = $105,000 Revolut "Buy" price = $110,000 Revolut "Sell" price = $100,000 You lose ~$5,000 with no price movement. Just for existing inside their app. with no price movement. The Fees: Commission Theater Revolut’s fees for Standard and Plus users are nothing short of comedy. Standard and Plus Trade Volume (GBP)

Minimum Fee



< £2

50% of trade size (!)



£2 – £5

£0.99



£5 – £25

£1.49



£25 – £100

£1.99



£100 – £150

£2.49



£150 – £200

£2.99 Trade Volume (GBP)

Minimum Fee



< £2

50% of trade size (!)



£2 – £5

£0.99



£5 – £25

£1.49



£25 – £100

£1.99



£100 – £150

£2.49



£150 – £200

£2.99 Trade Volume (GBP)

Minimum Fee Trade Volume (GBP) Trade Volume (GBP) Minimum Fee Minimum Fee < £2

50% of trade size (!) < £2 < £2 50% of trade size (!) 50% of trade size (!) 50% of trade size (!) £2 – £5

£0.99 £2 – £5 £2 – £5 £0.99 £0.99 £5 – £25

£1.49 £5 – £25 £5 – £25 £1.49 £1.49 £25 – £100

£1.99 £25 – £100 £25 – £100 £1.99 £1.99 £100 – £150

£2.49 £100 – £150 £100 – £150 £2.49 £2.49 £150 – £200

£2.99 £150 – £200 £150 – £200 £2.99 £2.99 In plain English: Buy £4 of crypto → £0.99 fee → 24.75% commission
Buy £10 → £1.49 fee → 14.9%
Buy £50 → £1.99 fee → 4% Buy £4 of crypto → £0.99 fee → 24.75% commission 24.75% commission Buy £10 → £1.49 fee → 14.9% 14.9% Buy £50 → £1.99 fee → 4% 4% And that’s before the hidden spread. before For those in the dark: on real exchanges, fees start at 0.1%. start at 0.1% Premium users get slightly better rates. But that’s like being mugged with better manners. Premium users get slightly better rates. But that’s like being mugged with better manners. My Case Decided to earn a new achievement: complete the crypto onboarding on Revolut.Bought and instantly sold $5 worth of crypto —one minute later, I had less than $2 left. one minute later less than $2 Who Falls for This? This isn’t crypto.It’s a beautifully designed middleman contract, dressed in modern UI. middleman contract You have: No control
No liquidity
No sovereignty No control No liquidity No sovereignty You're not trading. You’re paying to simulate trading — in their playground. in their playground Final Question Who are these people buying and storing crypto on Revolut? Who are these people buying and storing crypto on Revolut? If you're one of them — DM me. DM me. I'll hold your crypto for you. ll for you. I’ll save you the fees, the spread, and maybe your dignity. maybe your dignity.

This story contains new, firsthand information uncovered by the writer.

This piece was written for humor or satire and may include nonfactual statements, stories, or anecdotes.

The writer is smart, but don't just like, take their word for it. #DoYourOwnResearch before making any investment decisions or decisions regarding your health or security. (Do not regard any of this content as professional investment advice, or health advice)

How Revolut Makes Millions Off Crypto-Idiots

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