Episode 9: What to do when your pairing partner is more amazing than you.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all felt that one feeling, that’s a collection of feelings towards one person. Whether we can explain these feelings or not to others or ourselves, commonly they are towards superstars in our eyes or people we have affection for.

That’s right, I’m talking about intimidation and yes, this could be turn into some deep therapeutic life lesson but it matters, because it terribly affects us when we are pairing in code. Just so we’re clear…

Pairing means working with someone on a coding project, taking turns to write the code and guide someone to write the code.

I was inspired to write this post as I have experienced it countless times and wondered about it. I admit, I was extremely intimidated when I entered the pool of wise adults and till today, I still am intimidated by some of them. Yes, judge me whilst being baffled. “What does pairing have to do with code?” or “Why does intimidation matter in code?”

This is both you and me.

Pairing benefits coding in so many ways but mainly it’s because it teaches one to guide and write code continuously. Repeating these steps will help one learn code faster because you are training your muscle memory to remember what code to type, you’re ability to remember the lingo and explain it to someone else. Plus, when you do large coding projects, you work in teams and like many industries, it’s always better to be a team player than not be.

Good, my argument for the first question is settled? Next question.

Why does intimidation matter in code? We just mentioned it, Pairing!

Imagine if you know nothing about code and have to work with someone who’s a genius at code for a day? That’s what we do at Makers, but even if we were intimidated by that person, we’ll encounter them at some point again. Now, imagine a week? Imagine a month.

For sure, many of us will feel that creeping collection of feelings being poured onto us and it hits us every time our partner talks to us.

Yeah, it’s uncomfortable and that’s okay.

So what? We’re smart adults, we could do something about this right? Let’s look at our options.

1. You escape from working with this partner (That’s close to impossible and if you were trying to, would make your partner uncomfortable and you even more uncomfortable)
2. You file in a report that the other person should work with someone else (Now that just shows you aren’t game for a challenge and makes you look like a non-flexible weak employee)
3. You internalise these feelings and do nothing about it (Sure, let it eat you up for a few weeks and carry on if nothing changes in your relationship for your pairing)
4. You put in 200% in building a relationship with them (Man, you’re trying too hard at this point and not being yourself, because hey, who is when we are trying too hard?)
5. You find a way to get rid of your partner (Now, that’s just evil)

Great so we’ve listed the options and all of them shows that they are still uncomfortable experiences. Intimidation is a phase, over however long of a time that we all have to overcome. Most of us just let it die down while it sinks into our bones till it’s gone but…

Why do we not deal with it sooner so our relationship with our pair partners can be better, happier and that we can act like ourselves to code better?

Sounds like a goal we should be aiming for.

Ah! That’s where this post sinks into.

The questions we should be asking ourselves are why are we intimidated, what intimidation does to each of us (individually) and how we can break out of this phase sooner than later. Like any phase, it’s a phase we still have to experience, but what if we could look at it, say it’s there, accept it and let it pass behind it to move forward in five minutes?

It sounds like a miracle trick that someone could write a book about.

Note: I’ll be writing this post from a girl’s perspective (not being sexist) because I believe it would be unfair writing this post and pretending I knew what a man’s perspective is. Although, I believe the genders will have similar feelings and reasons anyway.

Intimidation in pairing: Why do we feel intimidated by our pair partner?

Being in a code Academy for two weeks now has already shone many of the reasons why a girl, a young graduate who has no code experience whatsoever would be intimidated at first. I’m listing all of these so that if you have at least one common attribute, you can relate but then again, I’m sure you’ll at least relate to one of the things in the stuff below.

Reason 1: The obvious one, they are super intelligent. It’s almost as if when you meet them, they already were educated on this alien code lingo for ten years.

They act as if you should know stuff. (In your eyes)

Reason 2: You can’t believe that this one person has had so much experience, has done so many things and has done things that you’ve dreamt of doing. You find yourself admiring them, inspired by them and thinking that they are almost “god-like.” The logic, the thinking and yourself is almost pushed to side as parts of you freeze when you talk to them, or have the chance to.

Yes, my idol in this case is Bruno Mars.

Reason 3: They are somehow on great heights from where you are. They’ve written their own coding book and learnt six different language from across the globe. You’re intimidated by their work ethic or the amount of knowledge they have, and it seems like getting on their level is going to take a life time.

Reason 4: They are strangely attractive. The assumption that coding school has geeks is totally wrong. Coding school has very attractive geeks.

Can you give me another reason why we would feel intimidated?

Reason 5: We believe in all the assumptions we think off that person and believe that person is our assumptions.

Yes, a good step forward to deepen the answer.

Most of the time when we feel intimidated, we create all these assumptions that this ‘could be normal person’ has ‘god-like qualities.’ It’s like when we have a crush on someone. We believe he’s the ‘perfect match with all the perfect qualities’ and forget all the flaws this person has. Otherwise, it’s like how magazines shape our ideas of what we want to look like and forget that every magazine cover or page we see are being edited to perfection.

And so, with our intimidating coding partner, we feel as if they are the dictionary of code that we fear to question or fear to challenge. Our assumptions on people play a strong part to why we are intimidated of pair partners.

We’re getting there but there’s something deeper.

What is the reason we put assumptions on our pair partners?

It’s because we don’t know them, or specifically don’t know what makes them human. If you guessed this right, give yourself a hug.

The collection of feelings:

Normally, we feel our ‘intimidating pair partners’ have qualities that are like ‘godly.’ However, I could also say that we can see our ‘intimidating pair partners’ as aliens as well (because they are just that amazing in our eyes). The collection of feelings towards these two images are similar.

We feel wowed by their presence (if they don’t threaten us like aliens would)

We feel somewhat nervous when we are in their presence (especially if we have to work with this person and keep up with their pace)

We feel as if we are the weaker species or person.

We feel dumb. This idea makes us do stupid things like say stupid stuff, do stupid things and forget who we are.

We feel wrong all the time, and thus we apologize for things that can’t even be considered wrong, like to “breathe”.

Yes, you’ve seen or been that person who says sorry 20 times in a day

When these collections of feelings build up for too long, we feel like we just we want to escape from the project as quickly as possible because it feels just that uncomfortable. How is that great for any project?

We feel an extent of fear. Maybe not primitive extreme fear, but a fear that we would do something wrong, a fear of showing vulnerability and the fear that we would mess up the chances we have with our partner.

Have you ever felt that you only had one chance to make an impression on someone you idolise? It’s that fear that if you missed the opportunity, you will see it fly out of your fingers and out the window. Yeah, that’s the fear I’m talking about. It’s similar to how you see fan girls ventilating, crying, screaming with a pen and paper asking their favourite Korean pop stars but then have no words when they have a chance to talk to them.

If you feel any of this feelings, It’s okay.

Intimidation is a phase that probably every human being goes through. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be sorry for. The first step forward is to realise what the feelings are and why we have them.

However, to the many of us that feel intimidated, we’re all dying to know what we do about it.

Can we actually make this feeling disappear?

Can we never feel this feeling again?

No, but we can move on from it as quickly as possible.

What makes someone human:

Think of a person you idolise or someone you could almost call a “God” at what they do. Beyonce, Bill Gates, Justin Timberlake (Just on top of my head but imagine your idol whist your in the process).

You would never instantly think that…

• Beyonce eats at Mcdonalds
• Bill Gates sometimes forgets the semi colons in his programs
• Justin Timberlake gets zits and has days where he feels ugly

Whether they don’t do the statements above or not, flaws always exist in humans. However, flaws never exist in our assumptions we put on people and thus, we will never see flaws in the people we are intimidated by.

This is probably why you struggle to ask your pair partner what this means, or telling your partner to go slow with explaining the code rather than at his pace. Do you see where I’m going with this?

Yes**, flaws is what makes someone human.** However, that’s not the only thing. Quirks do as well. Think of the whole alien and god theory I had going on (Yes, I’m weird, but all that matters, is that it makes sense to you.)

We may not idolise aliens or the flaws in people but admire quirks and gods.

For instance, this lizard likes raising it’s alternative legs up. That could be a quirk.

Quirks reel back our assumptions on the person back to reality. Whether they are funny, silly, weird or something we don’t understand, quirks make an individual unique as it’s something is amusing rather than hindering. Quirks could be from “being an expert at playing exploding kittens” to “liking the crowded stuffy tube carriage on the way to work cause it feels like there’s a community.” Either one, there is some weird humour to it. Quirks somehow help us connect with people because we know we have quirks as well.

It’s like they say…

We all have quirks, but different quirks that make us unique

And thus, quirks and flaws bring our ‘intimidating partner’ back down from the heavens down to Earth, where we are. This process starts to create a space where we feel comfortable to express our true selves to our partner.

So, after the long psychological epiphany, in the context of pairing…

That’s the space that we want to build our sync with our partners. The space where we can feel comfortable with our partner do anything with our partner and it’ll allow us to do the following.

• To ask questions when we don’t understand what’s happening in our code
• To say our suggestions on how we can write the code better
• To tell our partner that they made an error
• To tell our partner this suggestion isn’t the best way to solve the problem
• To talk openly about how we’re feeling so we know when to cool off or crunch time.
• To know when we have to be the person that steps back calmly and when we are allowed to be the person that can scream out their frustration.
• To be on the same page so we can work together, laugh together, cry together and celebrate together whilst we code.

In Pairing, all of stated events above will occur and in order for both people to support each other during these events, both have to be in sync.

By being in sync, you and your pairing partner will have the right intentions, the right focus and do what’s best and whatever it takes for the pairing to progress. You both will know when to take breaks and you will both know when to time crunch the problems.

That, is what makes an awesome code pairing.

So, what can we conclude from the mumbo jumbo?

Well, if we are intimidated by our pair partner next time,

Be aware of the intimidation, let it soak in and find a way to find out how your partner is just human. Whether it’s by finding their quirk or flaw.

Unfortunately, the “finding part” is still a mystery as I’m still trying to solve that one out. Though, the strategy mainly involves going out for coffee, having lunch and talking to them about other things rather than work.

The social game begins.

This is where the whole social game comes in.

You have to learn the ways of conversations, the timings of talking and listening and balance being there for when they need someone and at the same time, give the relationship space.

I always thought this was a game where you knew either how to play or not at birth but it’s a skill that anyone can learn. Like any skill, it’s something to practice and something that won’t happen over night.

“Well Dania, it’s easy to say but not easy to do”

That’s true! I still get intimidated by some of my wiser peers when I code with them. However, and I’m going to annoy you again, there’s one thing that resolves this that is easy to say, but hard to do.

This one thing, is to accept that “I am intimidated because I don’t know what this person is about, and that’s okay, because soon I will.”

Yes, whatever age you are, admitting the fact that you don’t know something is HARD!

Whether it’s to yourself or others, there’s an uncomfortable feeling we try to pass and that takes time to process. Since we’re talking about pairing whilst coding, a syncing relationship as i say, let’s take that two steps further.

Try to accept that not knowing something is okay to feel and allowing yourself sit in that feeling for one hour. Sounds like a VENTURE right?

Now, think about having to accept that you have to sit in this feeling till this growing relationship with your partner flourishes to a point where both of you are comfortable. That sounds LIGHT YEARS away.

A syncing relationship does not grow overnight and you will never know when exactly the stage of feeling comfortable with your pair partner will be. It’s going to be an exciting game of darts, where you’ll hit the right moments and miss the right moments till you get to the center point.

This sounds like a lot to indulge and that intimidation is impossible to overcome…

But as the days pass whilst you pair and interact with your partner day by day, practicing this way to think about intimidation will get more hits than misses. Sooner or later, you’ll be okay to sit in a situation of “not knowing” for a long time and be absolutely okay with it till the other person feels comfortable to open up to you. You’ll soon be comfortable with your pair partner before you know it

…and I’m talking just from two weeks of experience.

Fun fact of the day.

Just because you’re costume isn’t a full suit or made with fancy stuff, doesn’t mean you can’t win the best costume. The idea behind anything is always vital than the execution itself. Yes, as you can probably guess, this post was written on Halloween and that I was the application, Slack.

Thanks Adam and Dana for the prize :)

The Prize :)