It’s said not all heroes wear capes, and some also don’t wear parachutes.
We remember today the life of Patrick Coraban, 34, a product manager who went all the way back to school to earn an MBA to become a product manager. He was taken from us far too soon, much like how his engineers closed tickets and gave status updates far too soon just to get him off their butts for a few minutes.
Dear Patrick set a strategy and vision for not falling off a cliff, but was unable to actually not fall off the cliff himself. Perhaps the requirements of not falling off the cliff were loosely-defined. Regardless, it was a poor user experience.
He is survived by a Kanban board.
Patrick’s remains have been shipped and he will be released for general availability in a Celebration of Journey Map Completion at the Sinclair Memorial Home in Burlingame at 11 am on Saturday, June 30th. In lieu of flowers, his family requests the total addressable market of stakeholders deliver minimum viable donations to the American Cliff and Ravine Awareness Association.
Ah, the solopreneur lifestyle. What a treat it is to be captain of thy ship, master of thy domain, the only name on the LLC thou paid $950 to set up through LegalZoom because thou could not figure out how to navigate the state government website.
Yes, maybe this is the week thou launch thy website or go to that networking event full of prospects, or then again maybe it isn’t? Thou is thy boss now! After all, thou hath two months left in thy four months of severance and wait - what is that? Could it be? Why, that is fourteen whole dollars and seventy-three American cents lying right there betwixt the couch cushionry - wait, actually there’s another nickel there, so it’s $14.78.
Thy Gods smile down upon thee! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
Why $14.78 is enough for a tall boy and a three-rack of Pringles - nourishment to get thee through a long week of using Fiverr to negotiate revisions of thy third attempt at a logo. Thou may have enough sustenance yet to cancel all the extra crap GoDaddy threw in whenst thou signed up for web hosting for that personal branded website thou hath claimed thy is making!
Praise thy heavens - a blessing from above no doubt caused by the lamb sacrificed for the takeout curry vindaloo that rests upon thy coffee table for the past fortnight! Though the flies may be collecting, so too is thine confidence!
To My Valued Board of Crustees,
Following a recent Groupon-funded teeth cleaning at my local “tooth miner,” which is what the layman may call a “dentist,” I was found to possess an overly tense jaw.
That only logical culprit was stress. Perhaps it was the six pounds of Soylent-soaked espresso beans I eat every morning. Maybe it was my fixation on the impending pizza bot takeover. Or perchance it was merely the act of visiting the dentist that caused my jaw to be wound tighter than the rubber band ball I stole off my intern’s desk.
That’s when I remembered that by simply referring 5 people to TechLoaf using my unique referral URL I would win a TechLoaf StressLoaf™.
Now you may be wondering whether I’m endorsing the TechLoaf StressLoaf™ as a replacement for your dental insurance.
From Crust Til Dawn,
Carl “Baby Teeth” Cantana
CEO/Editor-in-Teeth/Head Authenticator of Shark Tooth Necklaces
The disruptors are about to get disrupted.