The $30,000 Bequest, and Other Stories by Mark Twain, is part of the HackerNoon Books Series. You can jump to any chapter in this book . A TELEPHONIC CONVERSATION here A TELEPHONIC CONVERSATION Consider that a conversation by telephone—when you are simply sitting by and not taking any part in that conversation—is one of the solemnest curiosities of modern life. Yesterday I was writing a deep article on a sublime philosophical subject while such a conversation was going on in the room. I notice that one can always write best when somebody is talking through a telephone close by. Well, the thing began in this way. A member of our household came in and asked me to have our house put into communication with Mr. Bagley's downtown. I have observed, in many cities, that the sex always shrink from calling up the central office themselves. I don't know why, but they do. So I touched the bell, and this talk ensued: Hello! Central Office. (Gruffly.) I. Is it the Central Office? C. O. Of course it is. What do you want? I. Will you switch me on to the Bagleys, please? C. O. All right. Just keep your ear to the telephone. Then I heard then a horrible “gritting” of teeth, and finally a piping female voice: Y-e-s? ( ) Did you wish to speak to me? k-look, k-look, k'look—klook-klook-klook-look-look! Rising inflection. Without answering, I handed the telephone to the applicant, and sat down. Then followed that queerest of all the queer things in this world—a conversation with only one end to it. You hear questions asked; you don't hear the answer. You hear invitations given; you hear no thanks in return. You have listening pauses of dead silence, followed by apparently irrelevant and unjustifiable exclamations of glad surprise or sorrow or dismay. You can't make head or tail of the talk, because you never hear anything that the person at the other end of the wire says. Well, I heard the following remarkable series of observations, all from the one tongue, and all shouted—for you can't ever persuade the sex to speak gently into a telephone: Yes? Why, how did happen? that Pause. What did you say? Pause. Oh no, I don't think it was. Pause. ! Oh no, I didn't mean . I meant, put it in while it is still boiling—or just before it to a boil. No that comes Pause. ? What Pause. I turned it over with a backstitch on the selvage edge. Pause. Yes, I like that way, too; but I think it's better to baste it on with Valenciennes or bombazine, or something of that sort. It gives it such an air—and attracts so much noise. Pause. It's forty-ninth Deuteronomy, sixty-forth to ninety-seventh inclusive. I think we ought all to read it often. Pause. Perhaps so; I generally use a hair pin. Pause. What did you say? ( .) Children, do be quiet! Aside Pause B Dear me, I thought you said it was the cat! Oh! flat! Pause. Since ? when Pause. Why, never heard of it. I Pause. You astound me! It seems utterly impossible! Pause. did? Who Pause. Good-ness gracious! Pause. Well, what this world coming to? Was it right in ? is church Pause. And was her there? mother Pause. Why, Mrs. Bagley, I should have died of humiliation! What did they ? do Long pause. I can't be perfectly sure, because I haven't the notes by me; but I think it goes something like this: te-rolly-loll-loll, loll lolly-loll-loll, O tolly-loll-loll- -i-do! And then , you know. lee-ly-li repeat Pause. Yes, I think it very sweet—and very solemn and impressive, if you get the andantino and the pianissimo right. is Pause. Oh, gum-drops, gum-drops! But I never allow them to eat striped candy. And of course they , till they get their teeth, anyway. can't Pause. ? What Pause. Oh, not in the least—go right on. He's here writing—it doesn't bother . him Pause. Very well, I'll come if I can. ( .) Dear me, how it does tire a person's arm to hold this thing up so long! I wish she'd— Aside Pause. Oh no, not at all; I to talk—but I'm afraid I'm keeping you from your affairs. like Pause. Visitors? Pause. No, we never use butter on them. Pause. Yes, that is a very good way; but all the cook-books say they are very unhealthy when they are out of season. And doesn't like them, anyway—especially canned. he Pause. Oh, I think that is too high for them; we have never paid over fifty cents a bunch. Pause. you go? Well, -by. Must good Pause. Yes, I think so. -by. good Pause. Four o'clock, then—I'll be ready. -by. good Pause. Thank you ever so much. -by. good Pause. Oh, not at all!—just as fresh— ? Oh, I'm glad to hear you say that. -by. which Good (Hangs up the telephone and says, “Oh, it tire a person's arm so!”) does A man delivers a single brutal “Good-by,” and that is the end of it. Not so with the gentle sex—I say it in their praise; they cannot abide abruptness. About HackerNoon Book Series: We bring you the most important technical, scientific, and insightful public domain books. This book is part of the public domain. Mark Twain (2004). The $30,000 Bequest, and Other Stories. Urbana, Illinois: Project Gutenberg. Retrieved October 2022 https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/142/pg142-images.html This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at , located at . www.gutenberg.org https://www.gutenberg.org/policy/license.html

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