Many people mistake likeability for either charisma or extroversion. Some think it’s inborn that you either have or not. But it’s a misconception - likeability can be easily developed.
It’s a skill that requires practice and developing a specific mindset. The four skills I will be discussing today are listening, openness, acknowledgment, and EQ. Once you learn the framework, you’ll be able to turn it on and off upon request. Not to mention improve your relationships with anyone dramatically.
This isn’t an overstatement, when I moved to London at 18 my manager told me I’ve got a resting bitch face and I better turn it ‘off’ or I’ll get fired. It took me a while longer to develop this framework but once I did, I became a different person.
Content Overview
How to Be Likeable
- Listening Skills
- Mirroring
- Labeling
- Being Genuine
- Acknowledging the person in front of you
- Emotional Intelligence
- Bringing it all together
#1 How to Be Likeable - Listening skills
The biggest mistake people make when they talk to others is being focused on what they’re going to say next or worse, keep interrupting and talking on top of someone. This shows a lack of interest in the other person and insecurity.
You can avoid this by practicing mirroring and labeling techniques instead. I first came across these ideas in Chris Voss’ work. He is a former FBI agent that is sharing the tactics used by the FBI in hostage negotiations on MasterClass. If it works for the FBI, it will work for you 😉.
Mirroring
This is a simple technique where you repeat back the last 1–3 words of what someone told you.
For example:
Someone: ‘I was late for work again!’
You: ‘Late again?’
Of course, don’t repeat the last words of every sentence, you’re not a parrot. Mirroring allows us to be fully present in the conversation, so we listen without thinking of what we’re going to say next.
It also makes the other person heard and provides you with information about the other party that you might not have known. Not so that you could use it against them, but create closeness.
The more listened to and vulnerable we feel we can get with someone, the more we like them.
Labeling
This is another technique that encourages you to listen while simultaneously making the other party feel recognized. You could call it a verbal observation/recognition.
For example:
Someone ‘I enjoy spending quality time with my friends’
You ‘It sounds like you’re someone who values friendships!’
Note that the example above is a positive label. Always do your best to find a way to compliment or notice someone for their positive traits.
You could also use a negative label, especially if there’s a conflict or tension in the conversation.
For example:
Someone ‘What are you doing parking in my spot? Don’t you know that’s where I always park?’
You ‘It sounds like you’re frustrated. I didn’t know this is your parking spot, could you show me your permit?’
Similarly to mirroring, don’t overuse labels. Remember, these techniques are only here to help you be present in the conversation and for the other person to feel heard. It’s a conversation, not a therapy session 🙂
I encourage you to set an intention to use mirroring and labeling techniques on one person a day. You will see that soon enough it will become automatic and people will find you much more likable.
#2 How to Be Likeable - Being genuine
First of all, nobody likes a fake. Doing or saying things that we think will make people like us will have the opposite effect. The most common example that comes to mind is that sometimes when we start dating, we exaggerate or hide certain traits or pretend to be interested in something that we are not.
Although the point of this post is to develop likeability, likeability IS NOT about adjusting your behavior in different ways to be liked by people. It’s about being genuine and knowing who you are, speaking your truth, and encouraging other people to do the same.
Never hold back from complimenting someone or sharing your resources/knowledge. When people give us something without expecting anything in return, we feel appreciated and more importantly, we like them!
An important thing to realize is that to become genuinely genuine (you see what I did there?), you need to be honest with yourself first. When you know what your strengths and weaknesses are, what you like and dislike you’ll be able to express yourself in a more authentic way. You will be able to draw boundaries or admit when you’re wrong. We all find these traits attractive and appealing. It shows confidence, tenacity, and individuality.
A simple practice to try
Think back to a situation that left you feeling negative in some way. Then ask yourself, what exactly made you feel that way? See what comes up.
Maybe it was that someone was being rude and you were very reactive or you wish you could have said a different thing, perhaps stood up for yourself? Now be honest and focus on the part where YOU could have done something different. Even if someone was rude, you could have chosen to say that you are not going to tolerate that type of behavior and walk away.
After doing the exercise above for a few weeks, go ahead and before every conversation ask yourself how can you show up in a genuine way that feels true to you. Genuineness also comes from deriving your sense of self from your values and internal compass. A genuine person will listen to others but arrive at the right decision for themselves. Because someone who is true to themselves will be true to us. At the minimum, we respect that type of person. More often than not though, we like them as well.
#3 How to Be Likeable- Acknowledging the person in front of you
If you master this, your likeability will skyrocket, I promise. Every single relationship in your life will improve. Because what humans truly crave is being seen, being acknowledged… to matter.
Think of yourself on public transport, carrying a heavy bag of groceries. The bus is packed. The bag is getting unbearably heavy. Then, someone stands up, smiles at you and gives away their seat. What’s going through your head? That someone noticed your struggle, yay!
Although the example above is primitive, what you need to do is adopt the mindset of a passenger who gave away their seat, to every single interaction you have. This means that every single person who comes into contact with you will feel seen and that they matter. If it sounds like too much effort don’t worry, it’s not. You will develop a mindset that will automatically produce that effect without you thinking about it.
Start off with your family and friends first. Next time you see them, really look them in the eye, smile, give them a hug, and tell them a genuine compliment. Since you know you’ll see them beforehand, try and really think about something you appreciate/admire about them instead of saying something like ‘You’re beautiful and kind’ (which I’m sure they are). Bringing forward something specific as opposed to generic will make them feel more special. Leave them with a better impression of themselves.
In time, start practicing this with your co-workers. And then complete strangers. Of course, don’t go around hugging strangers because they might call the police.
But if you see someone wearing a great dress in a bookstore, don’t keep it to yourself, go tell them. When you’re being served by a waiter or local coffee shop, TRULY see the person in front of you and ask them how their day is going. You have nothing else to do at that moment and checking Instagram for the 20th time that day won’t change much. When you start treating hospitality staff with this level of respect and appreciation, magic will happen.
So next time you see someone, follow these steps:
- Look them in the eye and GENUINELY smile (imagine as if they are the first and last person you will see that day, you won’t be able to help but be excited to see them).
- Ask them how they are and follow up on their response. For example, they reply ‘I’m good how are you’. You can say ‘I’m great. I love your hair today, having a great hair day I see?’
With time, you will slowly build a connection and talk on a more personal level. The beauty of this is that it takes only a few minutes a day to practice, but people will love you. They’ll have a smile on their face when you walk in. An extra coffee that they made? It’ll go for you. Delivery fees might be waived.
To start, just pick one person a day, be it someone you know or not, and simply acknowledge them with your smile and a compliment. Then pick two people a day, then three, etc. In time, this will become your natural state of being. A genuine acknowledgment of other people put them in a happier frame of mind. And then they won’t be able to help but like you.
How to be Likeable #4 - Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, manage and express your emotions. It has become widely popular in recent years when people realized that people with higher IQs don’t necessarily end up being in leadership positions or are liked by others.
If someone is sweet and likable but has emotional outbursts, they WON’T stay likable. The ability to manage and express your emotions in a way that is suitable to a situation will benefit your personal and professional life.
The easiest way to develop EQ is to start listening to your body. How do you feel after the meal you just had? How does this person make you feel? If you make this choice, how will you feel? The trick here is to stop listening to what your mind tells you and what your body says.
A simple exercise to start with
Set an alarm for twice a day and take 3–5 mins. When it rings, just stop for a moment, take in a few deep breaths, and scan your body. Start with your toes and keep going up with your attention until you reach the top of the head. If you feel any tension anywhere in the body, just do what feels right (stretch, move around, inhale into that area, etc)… try and ask where is this tension coming from?
If you don’t have a response, no worries. We’re just getting your body and mind used to you doing it for now. After you did a scan, ask yourself how you feel now. If nothing comes, that’s totally fine. You’re just building a habit of checking in with yourself.
So, the first steps are that you scan your body for tension. In time, listening to your body’s signals becomes automatic and you will develop confidence This means that every time you have to approach someone you like or give a big presentation at work, you will be able to identify and manage your fear/discomfort/insecurity. Seeing your feelings for what they are, you will stop listening to your mind telling you the person will reject you or your presentation will fail.
Bringing it all together
Likeability is a skill set that can be learned. Becoming likable will take your personal and professional life to the next level. It will promote your self-esteem and self-respect first. Your friends, family, and romantic partner will feel more loved and appreciated by you. In your career, you will easily network and bring out the best in everyone. You’ll walk into the room and people will be like:
Also published here.