That’s a realization I got at the age of twenty-nine: life is short and it definitely is too short for bullshit! I’m turning 30 this year and I think I experience a pre-thirty crisis (is that a thing?).
The question I’ve had in my mind for the last 6 months was what do I spend my time on that’s bullshit?
Bullshit
As Paul Graham notes in his essay, there’s circumstantial and chosen bullshit. The former is what we need to deal with to live like making money, commuting to work, and doing taxes whilst chosen bullshit is engaging in arguments online, social media, spending time with toxic people, etc.
Paradoxically, BS we choose ourselves is harder to get rid of. Spending time convincing someone of the truth of your beliefs and values is wasting time. I know, you’ll think of that one time when arguing with someone did change their mind but think of all the times it didn’t. It’s also easier to pick out friends and partners that you align with more than you don’t.
Time
When I read or listen to parenting podcasts (I’m not a parent but curious about other people’s experiences), parents always talk about the shortness of life. Having kids divides time into discrete rather than continuous quantities.
They only get to watch their child enjoy the Christmas magic a handful of times before they turn into moppy teenagers. One of the times will be the very last time they dress their kid etc. Time starts feeling finite once you have kids. It doesn’t feel finite to me even though it should.
I’m turning 30 this year and most of my friends have heard this 10s of times already: I realized that time is passing by for me too. I knew it intellectually but when I turned 29 I got it, really got it. This is the last time ever I’ll be in my twenties, and it’ll never happen again.
I also realized that whatever I was putting off into a later date did not magically happen if I didn’t strive for it. I assumed things would fall into place at a later date, but they did not if I hadn’t planned for it.
I’ve no patience for
But one of the things I’m crystal clear on is how little tolerance I have left for pretending and bullshit.
- I don’t want to spend time with people I don’t enjoy spending time with.
- I don’t want to spend time with people I don’t find interesting.
- I don’t want to hear other people mope, complain, and emotionally vomit on me.
The typical response is but rimaaaaa we can’t judge other people, everybody is on their own journey blah blah blah.
Sure, but discernment isn’t a judgment; choosing what is good for me is not selfish. Everyone can be on whatever journey they’re on but I don’t have to be part of it if I don’t want to. The same applies to people in my life: if being around me continuously causes them negative emotions, I want them to move away from me as far as possible. I don’t want anyone being with me just because they feel like they should 🤷♀️
Social bullshit
It seems that as some people grow older, they pretend and do more of the things they don’t want to do, not less. That doesn’t compute for me. There’s less time left to be alive, why on Earth do you want to spend it this way?
We already waste a lot of time just by virtue of being alive (sleeping, eating, showering). Circumstantial bullshit takes up some of the time too. The mind wastes extra time & energy by creating suffering. The current world never sleeps, so another bit of time is spent scrolling and reading informational garbage. We don’t have that much free time left to live our Life so why do we engage in social bullshit (spending time with toxic people (family COUNTS) and pretending)?
You might think this isn’t black & white, but it is in the grand scheme of things. If a friend is going through a rough patch, I won’t consider them a negative influence - I’m not a fan of toxic positivity. But if someone is consistently a victim, bitter, whines endlessly, gossips, complains and I feel like 💩 when I hang out with them, I’m a no.
My capacity to hold space and help is limited and I don’t want to tolerate someone’s toxicity seeping into me. I have friends who are going through a rough time but it didn’t make them bitter. It makes them sad, disappointed, and sometimes angry… but not bitter toxic forever victims. That is the kind I don’t want to be around.
Malware in the mind
I’m convinced that I download the mentality of people I spend most time with and I don’t want malware in my brain.
In fact, it’s true. If I spend too much time with a complainer, I notice that I then start complaining to someone else about how annoying the complainer is. If I spend time with a friend who gossips and dishes out dirt on other people, I want to pass the gossip on.
It is like a virus that gets passed on. Complaining, gossiping, and being a victim cater to my brain stem aka the primitive brain. But I don’t want to live a life led by my primitive brain.
So the antidote is to spend as little time as possible with toxic people. If I absolutely have to, I ‘pass out’ 😁 I trained my brain to turn off around toxicity - I’m present just enough to say mhm and nod at the right time of the conversation, but the content gets ignored.
I don’t owe anything to anybody and neither others do to me. I want to connect based on freedom and authenticity, not ‘having to’.
Thank you for your time reading this. It’s the time you’ll never get back 🙂 💛
Rima
Also published here.
This is my newsletter. If you want to get this directly to your inbox you can or connect with me on Instagram or LinkedIn