Jordan Stephens

@jsteph17

Entire Fucking City of Asheville Moving Out of North Carolina

“It’s been a good 220 years, but we’re done here…”

In light of the new anti-LGBT+ hate law signed by Gov. McCrory, the city of Asheville has “had it with this bigoted bullshit once and for all.”

We reached out to the city for comment on its recent announcement to secede from North Carolina.

“Ya know, we’re really gonna miss the mountains and surrounding scenery, but we haven’t really felt like we’ve belonged here for some good time. The state’s issuance of the bill has been embarrassing for everyone and was really the last straw.”

At first, the city thought it could curtail fallout of the bill in its own territory by enforcing local non-discrimination values. As stated by the mayor:

“Asheville is a welcoming city that thrives on diversity and equality. We take pride in our unique character and openness to all, without regard to race, color, religion, national origin, age, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, familial status or disability… Asheville will continue to be a place where we can be proud to live, work and raise families in a community that celebrates our differences.”

But the city has said, “enough is enough.”

The state has already suffered millions of dollars in fallout from companies such as Paypal and Deutsche Bank and boycott in travel and resourcing from larger cities including New York, Seattle, San Francisco, and even New York State.

“Hell, even Bruce Springsteen won’t come near us,” the city ashamedly reported, citing the recent cancellation of the pop star’s concert in the state.

The city fears more economic decline the longer it stays.

“This place is an economic ticking time bomb if we stay here,” the city remarked. “North Carolina already ranks low in the nation’s employment, family income, education, the list goes on. We need to go somewhere people need a surplus of Himalayan salt lamps, coffee table crystals, and artisanal teas. It would be one thing if they just had to travel through the state to get here, (God help them if they’re gender non-binary and need to pee), but many may have to come through South Carolina who is currently considering a similar bill or even Tennessee where it may become legal for counsellors to refuse service to LGBT+ people because of religious beliefs. I mean what are folks to do if they’re en route to the city from the West and their anxiety of having to drive through North Carolina becomes too much to handle when coming through Tennessee!”

The city took a long pause of remorseful contemplation.

When asked if the city was fearful of losing residents who may want to stay in the state, it replied, “Ya know I’m sure there’ll be a couple who will want to stay, and that’s fine. They don’t buy enough craft beer anyway, and they can find plenty of Miller Lite in the rest of the state.”

The city has narrowed a departure date to late next month.

“This will give folks plenty of time to prepare for the trip and tie off any loose ends, but almost everyone said more than two more months would simply be too long to bear.”

The city declined to reveal where it was headed, hinting that it has a few places in mind but may not even be sure when it takes off.

“There’s been a lot of discussion where we’ll end up. Some want to take roots quicker than others. Some want to stay in the US; others want to explore options in other countries. The hippies just want to take their time floating along the ocean, so we’ll just have to see. You may have to come see us in the Alps next time you’re wanting some Biltmore wine,” the city chuckled and barely stifled a wink in my direction.

The city had interesting explanations of how it would facilitate the move.

“As of right now, the plan is for our large community of spiritualists to levitate the city using meditation, chanting, drum circles, and Tibetan singing bowls to just high enough elevations where we can sail overtop the mountains and toward the beach. Luckily we’re close enough to the coast that the hippies should be able to hold out for that long. We expect some protests along the way, but our gay and lesbian communities have kindly volunteered to fire rainbows at any activists in the way, and the trans, genderqueer, and intersex community will be peeing in their expression-appropriate public restrooms during the journey in order to divert any remaining bigots.”

The city declined to provide any further information on its plans to uproot for fear of any more oppression from the state.

Other citizens of the state fear that the absence of the liberal city will only make way for more conservative policies which will continue to push the state further into poverty.

“They’ve [the state governing body] managed to lose millions of dollars already over this goddamn bill and now we’re losing the one good thing we had left!” exclaimed a disgruntled citizen of the more removed city of Boone, NC.

The city also declined to comment on any upcoming policies on immigration into the city prior to its move, anticipating other North Carolinians wanting to “get the hell out of here.”

Good fucking job, NC.

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