Please Invest In My Startup, Which I’m Valuing at $6,000,000,000,000

Unicorns are sooooooo 2016.

Hello, investor! I know you see a lot of pitches every day. Some might seem promising, or even too good to be true. But let me tell you today about a deal you’ll sincerely regret if you don’t accept it right now.

I’d like to introduce you to my startup, which I, the founder and CEO, am valuing at $6,000,000,000,000. I can’t tell you much about the company because I don’t want you to steal the idea, but TRUST ME when I say my stealth startup is going to be worth three times the GDP of a medium-sized developed nation! I know my startup has mass market potential because my friends Larry, Sue and Jerrod all said it “sounded cool” when I asked them about it over kamikaze shots at TGI Friday’s.

I’m well aware that this valuation in 12 times that of Amazon. However, my company has something Amazon doesn’t: a really quirky logo! In fact, my startup is so innovative and synergistic it doesn’t even have a NAME! Instead, I had a street artist named Drunk Charlie develop a symbol made up of zeros to represent all the money I’m going to make when my startup reaches its $6,000,000,000,000 potential.

My product is in demand! I’m proud to say it has 972 backers through our crowdfunding effort. Therefore, please understand that in order to be part of a our $6,000,000,000,000 startup, you’ll be put on a cap table with 972 other people who helped us raise a grand total of $1,280.

I understand the odds are against me. But I believe I have everything I need to succeed, such the terrific advice of extremely reasonable and trustworthy strangers on reddit. They’ve never steered me wrong, like when they told me the best way to get rid of a cofounder is to hide the body. Thank you for the great advice, KewlGuy1026!

I understand investors typically invest in the founder and not just the product. You should know I’m an outlier. I know it’s true because I read that Malcolm Gladwell book. I’ve been working 23 hour days just to make sure I can get my 10,000 hours in a year and a half. I don’t even sleep! I just use that extra hour to laugh at people who need eight hours of sleep at night to function. Hahaha… you guys are all idiots!

There is NO competition for my product! Some might say that this is because thousands of startups have tried and failed with our concept once they realized there isn’t as much demand as they’d hoped. But I think it’s because my project is so innovative that even Elon Musk is going to be like, “Dude, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that! Let me throw money at you! Daddy’s gonna MAKE IT RAIN!”

The market is everyone in North America. And South America. And Africa. And Europe. And Asia. And everywhere! Except Australia — no one on my team wants to deal with the 20-hour flight just to drive down the highway and accidentally hit a kangaroo.

You might be curious why I need money to accelerate my company’s growth. As of right now, we’re pre-revenue… and pre-product… and pre-business model. But, if you fund us, I plan to make the most of your investment by spending that money on an awesome ping-pong table, copious amounts of alcohol and company swag made from 14-carat diamonds. Fuck other startups and their damn tote bags! Tote bags are too small for big shit and too big for little shit. I’d also like to get a pet stallion in the office as a company culture initiative, but I understand if that’s a cost that should wait until Series B.

In the future, my product will combine AI with VR and machine learning for big data on the blockchain, all while using self-driving cars leased in Bitcoin. If this sounds absurd and pointless, then let me tell you, you clearly aren’t reading enough industry buzzwords!

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from when you’re ready to hand-deliver a check for $30,000,000,000.

Like this piece? I promise to write more if enough of you click on the ❤️ below! Thanks so much for your support!