The Tragic Tale of the "Lunch Box Spammer": George Eley's Quest for Internet Infamy

Ah, George Eley. a name destined to go down in history—not for any noble cause, mind you, but for his laughably misguided attempt to become the King of Lunch Box Links. Currently studying at the Graduate School of Business at the University of Cape Town, George seems to have missed the memo that being a business school student doesn't give you a license to annoy the entire internet.

For those not yet blessed with the knowledge of George's antics, let me paint you a picture. Imagine a virtual vandal, armed not with spray paint but with a bot army, hell-bent on spamming every blog comment section, forum, and search box within reach.

His ultimate goal? To boost the search engine rankings of his lunch box website, MagicBoxPro (because, obviously, lunch boxes need a guerrilla marketing campaign).

Little did he know, his reign would be short-lived, thanks to a trail of breadcrumbs he unwittingly left behind. Let me tell you how I managed to track down this would-be spam king after he tried—and failed—to bombard my website.

It all started with an alert from CleanTalk, the anti-spam plugin I use on my WordPress site. The plugin had flagged an unusual spike in suspicious activity. Normally, CleanTalk does a stellar job of keeping the spammers at bay, but this time something was different. The attempted spam wasn’t just your run-of-the-mill junk—this was a concerted effort, and it had George Eley’s fingerprints all over it.

It didn’t take long to find a social media profile that matched the digital fingerprints. The profile name that caught my attention was George Eley, self-proclaimed king of the lunch boxes.

The image below depicts an audit of the Lunch Box Kings website's backlink profile, conducted using the SEO tool Ahrefs. The audit reveals that the site is plagued with inbound link spam, indicating a problematic backlink profile with potentially harmful or irrelevant links.

But George's escapades don't stop at merely annoying the internet at large. No, he’s taken it a step further by enlisting the help of servers hosted by Leaseweb.com to do his dirty work.

That’s right—George has weaponized Leaseweb’s infrastructure to host his spam bots, turning what could be a perfectly respectable server into a breeding ground for spammy, worthless links. It's like using a luxury yacht to smuggle expired canned goods—both baffling and a complete waste of potential.

Now, you might be thinking, "Surely, this can't be a terrible idea. The internet is a vast place, and George is just a small, insignificant part of it." But, oh, dear reader, that is where you'd be wrong. You see, George has no respect for your digital property.

He and his bot buddies waltz right in, take a metaphorical dump on your website's front lawn, and strut away, leaving behind a trail of poorly disguised spam links and a bad aftertaste. All this in hopes that his lunch boxes will miraculously appear at the top of Google search results.

But here's the kicker: 98% of all blog comment sections are automatically no-follow. That means George's "brilliant" strategy is about as effective as trying to sell ice to penguins in Antarctica.

The search engines aren’t impressed, and the only thing George’s efforts have achieved is widespread annoyance and a burgeoning reputation as that guy. Yes, that guy—the one who thinks spamming is a valid marketing strategy in 2024.

You have to wonder what George was thinking. Did he imagine that webmasters everywhere would fall to their knees, thanking him for blessing their sites with his magical lunch box links?

Did he dream of being hailed as a marketing genius, the likes of which the world has never seen? Or was he simply so blinded by the allure of SEO supremacy that he forgot the basic principles of respect, decency, and common sense?

The internet is a shared space, a digital community where millions of us coexist (mostly) peacefully. But then there are the spammers—the digital equivalent of the guy who leaves his trash in your front yard because "someone will clean it up eventually."

Spammers like George don't just disrespect individual websites; they disrespect the entire online ecosystem. They're like digital parasites, contributing nothing of value and instead feeding off the hard work of others.

So, George, if you're reading this—and I suspect you might be, given your obsession with SEO—please, for the love of all things sacred in digital marketing, stop.

Take your bots, your lunch boxes, and your Leaseweb servers, and find a more honorable way to promote your products. Maybe try creating quality content? Building genuine relationships with customers? Or, here's a wild idea: respect the internet property of others.

Because, at the end of the day, the only thing worse than a spammer is a spammer who doesn't even know how ineffective his tactics are.

And trust me, George, nobody wants to buy a lunch box from that guy.